Brother can you spare 5 million USD?

Say don’t you remember, I’m your pal / Brother can you spare a dime? From the song composed in 1932 during the Great Depression in America.

POTUS, or to put it in its expanded form, President of the United States, Donald Trump has just made an announcement the whole world would do well to pin its ears back and take notice. Apparently, the world is. Taking notice, I mean. He has declared that anyone from any part of the world is now free to earn a coveted Gold Card, a superior avatar of the much-prized Green Card, and such a one can claim full rights to become a bona fide citizen of that great country. There is, however, one small catch. An individual wishing to take advantage of this handsome offer needs to cough up a bit of small change to the tune of 5 million US dollars. Now I have not had the opportunity to read the small print contained in this proclamation, and I am not sure if the White House has released any document outlining the ifs and buts. Apparently, the President hopes to mop up at least a million such munificent investors, bringing in a whopping 5 trillion USD into the system, thereby greatly reducing the country’s total debt in one fell swoop. ‘It will sell like crazy,’ Trump predicted. Pure genius.

I guess what I am driving at is, to the best of my knowledge, you cannot simply walk up to the US Embassy, approach the Immigration counter and greet the gentleman or lady sitting there with a cheery ‘Good morning, with regard to your President’s announcement yesterday, here’s a cheque for 5 million dollars US. Would you be so good as to hand me my Gold Card with my name embossed? I have filled up this simple form so you can get my spelling, date of birth and so on just right. If you can arrange to take my photograph, I will collect the card and be on my way.’ I do not think you will get much change out of the Embassy staff with that casual approach, if you get my meaning.

I was curious to find out more about this incredible offer. Not that I was in the least bit interested in becoming an American citizen and even if I did, I should be so lucky if I could scrape up even an infinitesimal fraction of that amount to put into Mr. Trump’s coffers. As they say, I would be hard pressed to find the proverbial two coins to rub together. Nevertheless, nothing ventured, nothing gained even if I was only trying to gain some knowledge to satisfy my curiosity. Curiosity might have killed the cat, but I called up the Embassy on their helpline and the following conversation ensued. This after the usual rigmarole of having to press several digits for a variety of different services, then had to wait for something like 15 minutes while The Star-Spangled Banner was played on an endless loop. Finally, a human voice. I was disappointed that the male voice did not sound anything like Trump or Musk or Kash or even Vivek. It sounded like Laloo Prasad Yadav on one of his bad days. What is more, he spoke in Hindi on the glib assumption that I could not speak English. This after I had selected English as my preferred medium of communication. This is what gets the goat of people like Tamil Nadu CM, Stalin. Why not Tamil? Quite right, Thiru Stalin, but let me get on with my story.

Anyhow, on request I was directed to an English-speaking lady. Not American but probably a young lady from Hyderabad who is a Green Card holder, on special duty at their New Delhi Embassy. More likely, she was from an outsourced facility sitting in a poky office in downtown Chennai. Still and all, she sounded courteous and helpful.

‘And how can we help you this morning, Mr. Subrahmanyan?’ I was not sure how she knew my name because I had not introduced myself. Better not to ask, I thought. You never know what these people had on you. I felt it was best to be discreet than valorous. I responded politely.

‘Good morning to you too, Madam. You seem to have the advantage of me. May I know by what name I should address you?’

She brushed me off gently. ‘My name is not important Sir. I see from the form you have filled that you are interested in taking up our President’s offer to become a proud Gold Card citizen of our country.’

This was getting a bit sticky. ‘Not really. I needed answers to a few questions before I could consider your President’s most generous offer.’

‘Shoot,’ replied the lady.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘I mean, go ahead and ask your questions. I can only give you ten minutes and you have already consumed 4 of them. There is a big queue behind you.’

‘What queue? I am calling from my mobile phone at home.’ I was a tad miffed by her peremptory tone.

‘I was speaking metaphorically, Sir. I have kept the others on hold in an online queue.’

I was somewhat mollified. ‘Right, firstly I would like to know if the amount of 5 million dollars can be paid in instalments.’

‘I cannot answer to that, Sir. I will have to check with higher authorities. How many instalments did you have in mind?’ She sounded dubious.

‘Well, I don’t know. It could run into several thousands. Instalments, I mean. 5 million dollars is not chicken feed, I am not sure how many zeroes there are, but that is not the issue. I would like clarity on the principle of the thing.’ I knew this was getting me nowhere, but I kept the dialogue going.

‘How old are you, Sir?’

‘Now you are getting personal. Asking rhetorical questions when I have clearly mentioned my DOB on the application form.’

‘Ah yes, Sir. My apologies. You were born in June 1949. Assuming there is an instalment option, which there probably isn’t, the pending instalments will outlive you be several parasangs.’

‘My, my what big words you know, young lady. Parasangs indeed. Where did you graduate from? Yale, Harvard, Oxford?’

‘If you must know, Eng. Lit (Hons) from Loreto House, Calcutta, but thank you anyway. Now then, Sir, I must terminate this discussion, delightful though it has been. You will be much better off applying for a tourist visa to our country and even then, it could take upwards of 9 months to get it cleared.’

‘That’s strange. I thought you were an American citizen. Loreto House! Fancy that.’

‘In fact, I am an American citizen. Proud of having been educated in India. Sought employment in the US and here I am, talking to you, Sir, about your fanciful 5 million dollars. May I also remind you that you are meant to invest this money in some profitable business in the U.S. thereby providing meaningful employment to many Americans. Have a good day, Sir. I must get on to the next caller.’ She was quite chuffed at her own cheeky response.

‘Thank you, nameless one. Or should I call you Anamika? I hope the next caller has 5 million dollars at the ready. And give my regards to Mr. Trump. He has got the whole world spinning like a top. Our stock markets are hurtling southwards like there’s no tomorrow. So I had better cut my losses and stay home in Bharat Mata. Good bye and thanks for the time.’

All said and done I had been given the bum’s rush and deservedly so. Wasting the Embassy staff’s time, even if outsourced, with my footling queries just for a lark. However, to those of you who witnessed the dressing down Ukraine’s chief honcho Zelenskyy got from President Trump, one must carefully consider if it is at all worth one’s while to obtain this virtually unobtainable Gold Card that carries a 5 million dollar price on its head. Assuming you had that kind of money lying around, why would you want to enrich the coffers of the richest nation on earth? The Birlas, Tatas, Ambanis, Adanis, Infosyses and their ilk are doing just fine looking after their considerable wealth and counting the pennies here in India and abroad. The rest of us should go back to good old Bank FDs as the stock markets are playing ducks and drakes with the investors instead of bulls and bears. Though the bears are running amok with a little help from POTUS.

Thanks Mr. Trump, but no thanks.