In my own write

There is a growing trend amongst several prominent personages in our country and around the world to shoot off letters, usually in high dudgeon, to various heads of state. Errors of omission and commission, on the part of Presidents and Prime Ministers are pointed out in pitiless detail, and advice is freely offered on how those in positions of power should conduct themselves and fashion their policies, if they are to achieve anything like satisfactory results for their nations. It is worth mentioning that quite a few of these inveterate letter writers have been in government service and / or in bureaucracy, and distinguished themselves. This was brought home to me recently when my good friend, the indefatigable, and often irascible, Mani Shankar Aiyar told our Prime Minister exactly where to get off when it came to the latter’s tentative dance steps with his Chinese and Russian counterparts at the just concluded Shanghai Cooperation Organisation (SCO) conclave, in an effort to effect a dramatic change in the world geopolitical order. That is a tall order, but trying never hurt anybody.

There are questions that arise in the specific instance of Aiyar’s recent missive, an open letter to our PM. Will Mr. Modi actually take the time and trouble to read his letter? If he does, will the letter have to be translated in Hindi or Gujarati for his benefit, as Aiyar’s mellifluous, Cantabrigian English, liberally inflected with aphorisms and oblique references may prove beyond the PM’s homespun familiarity with the English language? It is also entirely within the realms of possibility that the PMO, having looked at the bottom of the page and recognised (with alarm) the signature, consigned the letter to the electronic trash can, saving their boss the trouble of having to plough through Aiyar’s circumlocutory eloquence.

The ‘return to sender’ option is also obviated unless Aiyar despatched his letter in a scented envelope by registered post with acknowledgment due. The GPO, close to achieving dinosaur status, could have done with some business coming their way during these instant, digital times. Questions, questions. To give credit to the impassioned scrivener, Aiyar has freely admitted in his opening paragraph that there is no love lost between him and Prime Minister Modi – ‘I am fully aware of the contempt in which you hold me even as you are aware of my low esteem for you.’ That is ‘laying it on the line’ as the Americans might put it. The gloves are off and its no-holds barred.

With that preamble, I have no desire to delve further into that particular one-sided correspondence, which I am sure did not elicit a response from the PM. Aiyar’s letter is ‘open’ and half the English-speaking universe, at least here in India, would have gone through it with a fine toothcomb. Instead, taking a leaf out of Aiyar’s book, I decided to dash off a series of letters to a clutch of world leaders, in hopes that some footling 3^rd under-secretary, a Bernard Woolley type, in some ministry somewhere in the world might have glanced at it perfunctorily and brought it to the notice of his boss. Hope springs eternal in the not-so-young man’s breast. And even if not one single person gets to read these letters of mine, at least I would have had the passing satisfaction of putting out an ‘open letter’ into the public domain, a first for me. And let the devil take the hindmost.

Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China

Dear Respected Comrade President Xi Jinping,

You have had your hands full this past week, what with so many heads of state to be entertained at the just concluded SCO meet. If what we have been witnessing on our television screens in India is anything to go by, you have had time only for President Putin and Prime Minister Modi. Your handshakes were warm, though you smartly eschewed hugging, which our PM is partial to. That Pakistan’s big nobs appeared to have been given the brush-off gladdened all Indian hearts. Your impassive facial expressions gave very little away but that has always been the Chinese way. The poker face originated in China. You have made encouraging noises about China’s ongoing and future relationship with India, rightly condemned the Pahalgam attacks, which we take to be an oblique rap on the knuckles for Pakistan, tactfully avoided any reference to Arunachal Pradesh and stapled passports, agreed on most issues barring the Belt & Road Initiative. Then again, we need to keep a few things up our sleeves to chew on for future dialogues. Finally, now that Donald Trump is playing footsie with Pakistan, you might want to reset your relationship with our unreliable neighbours. The dragon should breathe some fire in that direction. Just some chop suey for thought.

With warm friendly regards.

——————————–

Vladimir Putin, President of Russia

Dear Honourable and Muscular President Vladimir Putin,

It is now a well-accepted fact that India and Russia need to embrace each other if our relationship is to be kept well oiled, oil being the operative word. As you know, our Prime Minister Modi is willing to embrace anyone, given half a chance, and you have been more than ready to reciprocate. The Russian bear hug is much prized by us in India. This augurs well for both our great nations particularly when the rest of the western world, led by that ‘incredible hulk’ in the White House, is doing all he can to spoil the party for us. The Russia-China-India troika, with our much-touted combined global GDP and population strength is already giving Donald Trump a nasty hand rash. We need to keep up the pressure, and who better than the man sitting on all that oil, natural gas and rare earth minerals to lead the way, namely you, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. It is time to pour oil over these troubled waters. As for your pesky neighbour whose name you doubtless do not wish to take and with whom you are in perennial armed conflict, we will let the EU and NATO worry about it. Clearly, Mr Trump appears to have washed his sadly-infected hands off the whole matter, even as the Z-man of Ukraine is trying to make nice with PM Modi. At least, we hope you enjoyed your trip to Alaska and keenly look forward to your visit to New Delhi soon.

With fraternal greetings.

———————————–

Narendra Modi, Prime Minister of India that is Bharat

Honourable Prime Minister Modi ji,

Congratulations and welcome back to Bharat after your hectic parleys in Shanghai with world leaders at the SCO summit. I am sure you will be diving straight in at the deep end of the Bihar election politics, giving the ‘vote chori’ brigade as good as you get, while managing the Trump tariff scenario along with follow-up action on your fruitful meetings with Presidents Xi Jinping and Putin. It is amazing that you are able to display such boundless energy and presence of mind while so many balls are being thrown up in the air. Even Zelenskyy wants to come to New Delhi to meet you.

 Putting that to one side, I am very curious about one thing. You were ensconced in a luxury, state-of-the-art, bullet-proof limousine for close to 50 minutes with President Putin. From the photographs and brief footage on television, I could not see anybody else in the car. Which means there might not have been present an interpreter, unless he or she was hiding in the boot, which kind of defeats the purpose. In which case, my question – in which language did you communicate with each other?  I have only heard Putin say ‘Next time in Moscow’ to Trump once and though you, Sir, are adept in your own style of rough-and-ready English, I doubt that you speak Russian.

Other than that, you appeared to have cut quite a dash in Shanghai with your elegant, desi wardrobe and the way you appeared to be in the thick of things with Xi Jinping and Putin, frequently wagging your long forefinger and refusing to make even eye contact with your counterpart from Pakistan. We sit glued to our television sets waiting for your next big move. A friendly word of caution. There are people threatening to hurl hydrogen bombs all over the place. Whether metaphorical or literal, do take care Sir.

With utmost respect.

——————————

Donald Trump, President of the United States of America

Dear Mr. Trump,

I hope your hand is healing fast; it looked quite ugly on our television screens. Not to forget the cankle. As for the hand, did you try Burnol ointment? It is very efficacious and many Indians swear by it. We can courier a boxful of tubes for you and your near and dear ones, in case the problem runs in the family. There could be additional cost implications in terms of secondary or tertiary tariffs, surcharge and so on but I am sure, as a special case, this could be waived if a medical emergency to a head of state is involved. Reciprocity on this score (with regard to reducing tariffs) from your side would be greatly appreciated. Lastly, kindly speak to that Navarro gawdelpus to go easy on his mouthing off every now and then on India (‘Modi’s War,’ ‘Laundromat,’ ‘Profiteering Brahmins’). It could ease the despatch of our wonderful Burnol ointment to reach you in double-quick time. And Secretary of State Rubio is not helping matters by claiming that Indo-US relations have never been better. This is news to us.

Caution: If you are suffering from heartburn due to, say, not being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize, then Burnol will not help. If symptoms persist, kindly consult your psychiatrist.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

———————————

That’s it. I feel strangely cleansed and unburdened. I leave you with a quote from the metaphysical poet John Donne – Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls; for, thus friends absent speak.’