War. What is it good for?

(A one-act play)

As the curtain rises, Donald ‘The Almighty’ Trump, Pete ‘Attila’ Hegseth, Marco ‘The Cuban’ Rubio, Steve ‘The Golfer’ Witkoff, Jared ‘The Son-in-Law’ Kushner and Bibi ‘I-know-what’s-in-the-Epstein- Files’ Netanyahu are sitting comfortably on the plush sofas at Trump’s Oval Office in The White House. Sitting away from them in a corner of the room on a straight-backed chair is the White House Press Secretary, Karoline ‘The Clueless’ Leavitt, taking notes. A table full of refreshment service, including tea, coffee, soft drinks and small eats can be seen. Buffet service is the order of the day, since waiters, like walls, have ears. Trump opens the conversation.

Trump – ‘Right fellas, here is the latest position on Operation Epic Fury in Iran. We, that is Bibi and I, have bombed the stuffing out of Iran. And Bibi is going solo in Lebanon. Frightened the bejesus out of them. I am talking about Iran. There is nothing left there. All the leaders are blown to kingdom come, all the missiles and aircraft have been smashed to smithereens. I am waiting for confirmation on Kharg Island and the nuclear enrichment plants. Pete, can you bring us up to speed?’

Hegseth – ‘Thank you, Mr. President. May I say what an inspiration our Lord God, the Almighty and Yourself, both same thing really, have been to us and to every single military brave heart…’

Trump interrupts

Trump – ‘For God’s sake Pete, you can keep the flattery and licking-my-boots exercise for later when you address the media. Get on with it, will ya? Time is money and you know how important money is to me.’

Hegseth – ‘Sorry, Mr. President. I will come straight to the point. We have over 200 combat aircraft circling Kharg Island, even as we speak. We have to also keep an eye on that enrichment plant in Isfahan. The problem is the Iranians have 500 anti-aircraft guns, not to mention drones, aimed at all our planes. And our forces are also watching over the heavily mined Strait of Hormuz. So, we are a bit stretched and hesitant about shelling them. But if you give the green signal, we can go ahead. As Churchill said, “Give us the tools, and we will finish the job.”’

Trump – ‘What kind of garbage are you spewing, Pete? I don’t give a rat’s ass what Churchill said nearly a hundred years ago. I thought this was a covert operation. And what about those 150 aircraft that flew in to rescue that poor soldier hiding in some mountain crevice? Oh, hang on everyone, I am getting a call on the hotline from Tehran. One of their leaders wants to talk.’

Netanyahu – ‘I thought you said we had bumped off all their leaders. Which leader is this who wants to talk to you? I think I will just go ahead and nuke them.’

Trump – ‘Hold your horses Bibi, for crying out loud. You are forever crossing me. I thought we were pals. Just because you have something on me….never mind. Let me take this call from whoever is the guy speaking on behalf of whatever is left of their leadership. I am not putting him on speaker because he might get cagey and not reveal his true plans.’

Trump spends the next 10 minutes speaking to the unknown Iranian leader through an interpreter. When the call is over, he turns to his expectant audience.

Trump – ‘Holy Moses, guess what guys? Iran is begging me for a ceasefire. They are down on their knees. I threatened to wipe out their entire civilisation. That’s got them on the hop. Sleepy Joe Biden never had the guts to do that. The feller at the other end, I couldn’t quite catch his name, said he is now the leader of the country and his people want us to stop the bombardment. Iran is suing for peace, as I believe the expression is. Right Karoline?’

Leavitt – ‘If you say so, Mr, President. The expression is new to me.’

Trump – ‘And I thought you had majored in communications. Nice hair-do, by the way, and the gold cross round your neck is a thoughtful, evangelical touch. By the way, didn’t that religious nut, Bob Dylan say God is on our side? Why don’t you try the platinum blonde look, Karoline? You will be a dead ringer for Marilyn Monroe. The television cameras will drool. We can do with the distraction. Sorry, I am rambling all over the place. Not getting enough sleep.’

Rubio – ‘Mr. President, if you will pardon my interrupting, what Bob Dylan actually said or sang was, ‘That if God’s on our side, he’ll stop the next war.’ That is a moot point. Can we get back to the telecon with this supposed Iranian leader, who is suing for peace? What exactly does he want and did he spell out any terms?’

Trump – ‘Ah Marco, Marco, always on the ball. Didn’t know you were a Dylan fan. Wait till I annihilate Cuba. You will be the King of Cuba, Marco. Thanks for dragging me back to the subject on hand. This Ayatollah chap…’

Witkoff – ‘Is he an Ayatollah?’

Trump – ‘They are all Ayatollahs, Steve. Don’t worry about it. How is the putting coming along, by the way? You were terrible on the back nine last Sunday, Steve. You are supposed to be a 9-handicap golfer. I might have to change partners at this rate. Anyhow, let me examine what his terms are. Karoline, I am expecting a fax any second now from Tehran listing out their terms for peace. Will you trot across and bring it, dearie?’

Leavitt – ‘Right away, Mr. President. One quick question, just came in from the New York Times. They ask why, if you have stopped 8 or 9 wars so far, as you have claimed, you are not able to stop this war with Iran, which you yourself started, aided and abetted by Mr. Netanyahu here. The Times is asking, not me.’

Netanyahu – ‘New York Times, eh? I will nuke their offices this minute. They won’t know what hit them.’

Trump – ‘And neither will the entire New York City and State. Please Bibi, why are you so trigger happy? I have no love lost for the New York Times either, and you can add CNN to that list. Let me deal with this.’

Netanyahu – ‘Donald, what got my goat was these NYT chaps saying you started the war with Iran, aided and abetted by me. As if I was your lackey or something. Some cheek! It’s the other way round. It was I who wanted this war to start, for many years now while you hummed and hawed. In the event, you were aiding and abetting me. Just to set the record straight. You had to back me, of course, otherwise I might have had to spill the beans. About you-know-what. As I say, “Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.” Shakespeare.’

Trump – (looking alarmed) ‘Ok Bibi. Don’t blow your top. I am impressed. Nobody has threatened me with Shakespeare before. And stop this nonsense about spilling beans and letting slip the dogs of war, whatever that means. We are holding up Karoline. Run along, girl. That fax message from Iran. Pronto. Leave it to Leavitt, eh?’

He turns to his audience and guffaws at his own poor joke. The others don’t join in his mirth. Karoline rushes out of the Oval Office in a blur.

Trump – ‘While we are waiting for the fax message, Jared, what is your view on the whole situation? You have been rather quiet.’

Jared – ‘I was just observing and learning, Pops, from you and the others. And dreaming of crypto and a few lucrative real estate deals in Pakistan.’

Trump – ‘Less of the Pops please, Jared. We are not at a family dinner. Mr. President will do nicely. Ah, here comes the fax. Let me read it.’

Trump reads the message and promptly blows a gasket.

Trump – ‘Effing hell! Who the eff do they think they are, these s-o-bs? I am going to nuke the hell out of them. Where the eff is that red button and I want the code. Who the eff are they to make demands?’

Netanyahu – ‘Now, now Donald, who is going all nuclear and ballistic now? You can’t use language like that. Not very Presidential. This is going all over the world. Calm yourself. If you want any nukeing to be done, just tell me. I’ve got itchy fingers.’

Trump – ‘What, are these proceedings being conducted in camera?’

Leavitt – ‘Mr. President, ‘in camera’ means ‘in private,’ without cameras. It is one of those English language quirks. We have a battery of cameras here, shooting everything.’

Trump – ‘Oh shoot. Why the hell was I not warned? Those films or cartridges or whatever, cannot go out of this room. See to it, Karoline. By the way, where is JD? Not sulking, I hope?’

Rubio – ‘The Vice President is on his way to Islamabad, Mr. President. Steve and Jared will join him right after this. Their flight is waiting. You sent him to negotiate with the Iranian representative and the Paki interlocutors, Munir and Shehbaz to find a settlement. We even drafted a statement for the Pakis, who released it to the media, forgetting to delete the word ‘Draft.’

Trump – ‘That’s daft. Monkey see, monkey do, eh? Right, then this meeting is at an end.’

Rubio – ‘One suggestion, Mr. President. On the pretext of meeting his in-laws in India why don’t we get JD to stop in New Delhi and butter up Modi? India might be a tad restive what with all of us cosying up to the Pakis. We can use all the friends we can get.’

Trump – ‘Good thinking. Make it happen, Marco. By the way Jared, who are you talking to on your mobile? How many times have I told you…’

Jared – ‘It’s your wife Melania, Mr. President. She has just declared to the world’s media that she was not involved in a relationship with Epstein. New York Times and Washington Post are waiting for your response. With bated breath.’

Leavitt – ‘Mr. President, shall I draft a press release?

Trump gets up, kicks his sofa, hobbles in pain holding his right foot, hurls the jug of water at the painting of George Washington, hollers a volley of unprintable oaths, and stomps out of the Oval Office.

The curtain comes down while Edwin Starr’s hit, War, what is it good for? Absolutely Nothing plays over the theatre’s sound system.

                                     The End

Playwright’s note: Given how swiftly events move on the international geo-political scene, a sequel production is in the pipeline.