The assembly elections in five of India’s states, which includes one Union Territory is now, mercifully, over. Or, is it? The aftermath of this enfranchising exercise will linger on for several days, if not weeks. Chief Ministers have to be named, hopefully without acrimony. Where there is little doubt as to who the CM will be, as is the case in Tamil Nadu, a different challenge in arriving at a simple majority, involving scrounging around for support from pliant candidates from other parties, is in progress. Palm grease is retailing at a premium. This is one instance where the Governor of the state, otherwise a decorative figurehead, takes centre stage and the Tamil Nadu Governor is making the most of it. Some might even aver that he is making a right royal meal of it.

 An erstwhile leading, and now rapidly fading, Congress has already jumped ship from its declared ally, the DMK, to extend support to a party led by a celluloid demigod – a trademark of Tamil Nadu politics. A Faustian pact, many would characterise this as. An ought-to-be-outgoing Chief Minister, the pugnacious Mamata Banerjee, refuses to recognise that she has been resoundingly defeated at the hustings. Apparently, nobody told her. Crying foul, she continues to sit on her erstwhile throne, liberally smearing it with Araldite. The concerned authorities might need the services of a crowbar to unseat her. As I pen this, I note that brand Fevicol, with its sharp sense of satire and topicality, has been quick off the blocks to take advantage of the adhesive parallel. Good on them.

Even in ‘God’s Own Country’ Keralam, where the UDF coalition has won handsomely, the CM’s post continues to be a matter for intense speculation and deliberation, if not contention. In Assam, there are no Doubting Thomases as the cherubic Himanta Biswa Sarma of the BJP sings and dances his way to a thumping victory, third time running. In the midst of all the excitement the Union Territory of Puducherry is all but forgotten – a mere footnote. ‘It’s all happening,’ as some of our cricket commentators love to say. As to what exactly is happening is a matter of considerable befuddlement.

I felt it might be a good idea to buttonhole a representative from each of these parties, winner or loser, and get some idea of what their party bosses feel about the results just announced. Obviously, it had to be necessarily a junior functionary, as most of the seniors were busy cadging, cajoling and generally carrying on, plotting and planning. Winning or losing an election is one thing. What happens once the verdict is in (or out) is another kettle of fish altogether. As I could scarcely be expected to travel by air to the various destinations, my pockets being extremely shallow, the internet and my mobile phone had to be my instruments of choice to get a word in edgeways with these party apparatchiks. For the most part it was a hit-or miss affair. Even when someone finally, after several tries, came on the line, I had to take his or her word for it that I was speaking to the genuine article, in a manner of speaking. To kick off, I called the Kolkata HQ of the BJP.

‘Hullo, good morning. Who am I speaking to? Sorry, you want to know who I am first? Fair point. I am a nobody really, just a freelancer who does not have the clout of any of the big media houses. The findings of this interview will not appear in any newspaper or periodical. Just in my weekly blog, which is read by not more than 17 people, at last count. TV? Certainly not. This is not a video call. You will put me on to someone? A karyakarta? Great.’

I then wait for about 15 minutes while the music on hold plays Saint Tulsidas’ Shri Ramachandra Kripalu Bhajman on an endless loop. It was so hypnotic I fell into a trance. Finally, someone comes on the line.

‘Jai Shri Ram. I can give you two minutes. One question only. Shoot.’

I shoot. ‘Since Mamata Banerjee is literally stuck to her chair, how are you planning to unseat her? And since you said shoot, can you also tell me who shot your leader Shuvendu Adhikari’s most trusted aide?’

‘That is a very good question, I mean about Mamata Didi. They have applied so much Fevicol on her seat that nobody is able to unstick her. Her party colleagues have all scooted looking for fresh jobs, most of them waiting outside our office. We have approached the R&D people from the Fevicol company. They are on their way with chemicals and other implements. We, who are now the ruling party, are trying to be helpful, despite her intransigence.’

After that the line went dead. Two minutes were over. I must say he surprised me by using words like intransigence. It was also clear that he was unwilling to volunteer an opinion on the assassination of Mr. Adhikari’s aide.

Next port of call, the TMC. The phone rang for several minutes. Finally, a lady’s gruff voice came on the line with a terse ‘Yes?’

‘Good morning, I am an independent, unbiased blogger. May I speak to someone, however junior he or she may be, and get a statement on what your party’s next move will be, after the recent electoral reversal?’

‘There is no one here right now. They have all gone looking for jobs or hunting for experts on adhesives. What do you want?’ The lady sounded quite annoyed. Why, I have no idea, but I persevered.

‘In that case is it possible to get a statement from the former Chief Minister, Mamata Banerjee?’

‘Mamata Didi to you, you little twerp. And don’t you dare say former Chief Minister. And it is she you are speaking to.’

‘Oh, I am so sorry Didi. I was not expecting you to answer the phone. I hope I am not disturbing you.’ I was very apologetic.

‘I have no option but to answer the phone. I am irretrievably glued to this chair and they have all run away, leaving the party helpline phone on my lap. I can give you one question. I am in a foul mood.’

I could sense that by her tone. I was also taken aback that she knew words like ‘twerp’ and ‘irretrievably,’ leave alone how to pronounce them. Derek O’Brien must have been coaching her. Anyhow, her coming on the line was a huge bonus. I went ahead and popped the question. ‘Didi, were you defeated at the polls because of the Special Intensive Revision, SIR?’ I waited for her response with bated breath.

‘What a stupid question! Why am I even talking to you? Of course it is SIR, what else? SIR, SIR, SIR, SIR, SIR! Only SIR. Nothing else. Bhujeccho? What is wrong with you? Maatha kharaab? You must be a BJP agent. I will find out your number and you will be taken care of. Once I am able to get out of this chair.’

Then the line went dead.

After that I lost all interest in speaking to anybody else. Although I speak fluent colloquial Tamil I cannot, for the life of me, follow what people like Stalin and EPS are saying in their Dravida bhasha. As for Vijay he has decided, for now at least, to follow the dictum, ‘Silence is golden.’ Wise man. He has been kept fully occupied running up and down to and from the Governor’s residence. He has been given the right, royal runaround. He should take time off and watch a CSK game at Chepauk and indulge in some ‘whistle podufying.’ Who knows, Dhoni might hobble in, calf strain notwithstanding, to slam a six or two in the TVK Chief’s honour. A few selfies of the ‘two thalas’ won’t hurt the optics either.

That leaves Assam, Keralam and Puducherry. These are constituencies where the winners have enjoyed a cakewalk and the losers have not applied adhesives to their chairs. Furthermore, they have not resorted to using foul three-letter words like SIR. In short, they have nothing spicy to contribute and I deplore bland interviews. Having said that, I will have to deny myself the immense pleasure, however remote, of getting the dulcet-toned Shashi Tharoor (‘He on honey-dew hath fed’) on the line. He will, naturally, speak in English with me as my Malayalam is virtually non-existent. However, that is not a foolproof guarantee that I will follow every word the silver-tongued Parliamentarian utters.

Finally, here is hoping that in a few days’ time all the five Chief Ministers will be duly sworn in and none will be sworn at.

Forget about Donald ‘No more Mr. Nice Guy’ Trump and Bibi Netanyahu threatening Iran with dire consequences and Iran returning the compliment with interest. Forget about Trump escaping yet another assassination attempt. Some cynics are going, ‘Third time lucky, maybe.’ Cruel, cruel. Then again, forget about Trump barefacedly denying to the CBS ’60 minutes’ channel that he is not a rapist, ditto paedophile! Forget about Iran threatening the entire Gulf kingdom with mayhem if they keep supporting the satanic duopolistic powers, meaning the United States and Israel. Europe does not count and the Russia / Ukraine conflict has been put firmly on the back burner in terms of occupying our mind space. Forget about China, at your own peril. Forget about naval blockades in the Strait of Hormuz. Forget about Pakistan doing its cravenly obsequious bit with an eye on the main chance. Forget about India not doing very much about anything at the moment – the state elections take precedence over everything else. All else can be loftily ignored. Or benignly neglected. We have lived with this scenario for well over a couple of months and frankly, it is beginning to pall. It is entirely possible that after the local assembly polls, which is engulfing the nation, the central government will wake up once more, bloody but unbowed, to the looming oil and gas crisis and turn its gaze towards the Middle East and further afield, to the US of A.

In short, forget about international war games and geo politics. I am doing a 180-degree turn. I have my hooks into domestic violence, by which I do not mean macro issues affecting Bharat that is India, but micro matters that take place in our homes. Not in mine specifically, but in quite a few homes. My thoughts, at the moment, are with two male members of a family living far apart in Hyderabad and Vadodara, who expressed extreme unhappiness with their respective wives’ culinary offerings and paid the ultimate price. I know what you are thinking, dear reader. The aggrieved husbands, returning home after a hard day’s toil, express their dissatisfaction at the menu by hurling their dinner plates at their ducking wives, food spatters their kitchen walls, the wife wails and they trot off to some eatery nearby to sate their appetites. You could not be more in error.

In a macabre turn up for the books, here is what actually happened and I kid you not, as The Times of India is my witness. The husband in Hyderabad threw a petulant fit because his wife did not prepare his favourite chicken curry for her lord and master. One’s heart goes out to the man. He loves his chicken curry, was dreaming of tucking into it on his way home. Being denied the same on his arrival and sitting down to dinner, and finding his plate replete with cabbage and greens, not to mention two dry rotis, he expressed his disgust in no uncertain manner. Yuck, about sums up his feelings. Vegetarians will never understand this aversion non-veggies have to spinach, beans, ladies’ fingers and other leafy vegetables. Rich in vitamins but the meat fancier cannot quite get his teeth into it. Vile abuse was then hurled at the poor wife. She responded in kind. What was till then a perfectly normal slanging match, a noisome argy-bargy, soon took on frightening proportions. The good lady wife had ‘had it up to here’ with her hubby’s constant backbiting and bickering, her blood was up, she eyed the freshly honed sickle lying in a corner of the room. To pick it up and deliver a swift blow to her life partner’s neck, with plenty of wrist work and follow through was with her the work of a moment. ‘I shall have my revenge,’ she appeared to be telling herself. Remorse and recrimination, to say nothing of her heinous crime and the consequent punishment, can come later. A momentary lapse of reason, blood thirst satisfied with some justice, and she was prepared to face the long arm of the law.

A little over a thousand miles away from Hyderabad, in the city of Vadodara (formerly Baroda), another domestic contretemps was brewing. A labourer, possibly a construction worker, the press report was not clear on the precise nature of his occupation, comes home for lunch and sits down for his afternoon meal. The report is not forthcoming on what was on the luncheon menu but the husband looked askance at his plate and proceeded to issue a volley of oaths at his wife. Perhaps it was, yet again, the complete absence of chicken, mutton or fish that so incensed the husband. I am only conjecturing.

On the other hand, they may have been strict vegetarians (it was in Gujarat, after all) and the wife fobbed her husband off with some cold rice and dal. Period. No fried potatoes, dal fry, boiled carrots and paapad to go with the main course. Enough to get anyone’s hackles up. The labourer husband went on a shouting spree, one would surmise, and at some point, the wife seemed to tell herself, ‘Up with this, I shall not put.’ She did not merely stop with the verbals. She picked up, what the newspaper described as a ‘bladed weapon’ and without so much as a by-your-leave, proceeded to stab her husband multiple times on the head and chest.  The neighbours, hearing the deathly screams, rushed round to help. By then the assaulted husband had shed his mortal coil. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. This is Nari Shakti at play. The lady of the house is now cooling her heels in a police station, unrepentant.

The daily newspaper, aka ‘The Old Lady of Bori Bunder’ had displayed these two grisly crimes as a twin story with a common headline which ran, ‘Food for thought: Culinary, Cautionary Tales.’ Side by side, the two stories were sub-headed, ‘No chicken at dinner, man shouts at wife; she kills him’ and ‘Man refuses lunch his wife cooked, gets murdered.’ They could have added that his goose was cooked, but the poor sub-ed might have had a local to catch from Victoria Terminus, and the paper had to be put to bed. And he might have been a vegetarian.

I realise that I lay myself open to criticism from right thinking people who might well go, ‘The world is in turmoil, WW III is at our doorstep and you are going on endlessly about a couple of guys who literally got it in the neck because they were not served chicken or potatoes by their harried wives. Where are your priorities?’ Tell you what, I have a snappy answer to that stupid question. If the Times can ‘go on endlessly’ about the chicken and veg starved husbands, I do not see why I should hold my horses on the subject. Our women have been held back for too long, and if they choose to take out their frustrations on their ungrateful husbands with ‘bladed knives,’ bully for them. If push comes to shove, our women will take arms and risk imprisonment or worse, but they will take no prisoners. In the words of Shylock in The Merchant of Venice, ‘If you prick us, do we not bleed? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?’ (Shakespeare’s grammar can at times sound dodgy). As for me, I gobble up whatever is served for lunch and dinner without a murmur of dissent. I place a high price on my neck.

In sum, I can do no better than to reprise Sir Winston Churchill’s defiantly ironic words in 1941, reacting to his allies’ dire warnings about Hitler. ‘In three weeks, England will have her neck wrung like a chicken. Some chicken! Some neck!’ Brave words, but when Churchill went home for dinner and was served a plate of cold cauliflower cheese by Lady Clementine, he wolfed it down uncomplainingly. It was war time after all; rationing was on and stringency was the watchword, and it was more than the Prime Minister’s neck was worth than to demand steak and kidney pie of his good wife.

Kids want a saviour, don’t need a fake / We’re gonna rock to the rules that I make / I wanna be elected, elected, elected. 70s rocker,Alice Cooper.

Elections for various state assemblies in our country have just been done and dusted, barring the 2nd phase voting in Bengal. We are still waiting for the dust to settle. In a few weeks from now, the results will be announced, sweets freely distributed, firecrackers bursting at every street corner, accusations of chicanery and booth capturing will be hurled by the defeated parties at the winning party or alliance and the Election Commission. Much brouhaha will be made of the alleged SIR rannygazoo, and the EVMs will come in for more brickbats. This is par for the course. The election cacophony has been in the air for some months now and gaining momentum and decibel level with each passing day. Although not as humongous a task as conducting a countrywide general election, it is humongous enough to be getting along with. The greatly put upon Election Commission has had to oversee elections in Assam, Tamil Nadu, Puducherry, West Bengal and Keralam. I find that ‘m’ quite superfluous and irksome for the last named. Even Microsoft Word shows its disapproval with a red, squiggly line under the name. The strapline, Keralam. God’s Own Country does not have quite the same ring as Kerala. God’s Own Country. Anyhow, ours not to reason why.

Getting back to the elections, there must be excellent reasons why elections in our country are always held in the peak of summer. I am yet to come across a satisfactory answer from those in the know of these things as to the thinking behind this extraordinarily daft timing. As it is temperatures among political parties and their myriad supporters are running sky high. Add to this the impossibly high mercury levels obtaining all over the country, and you have to wonder what prompts our political leaders to risk heat stroke, dehydration and sheer fatigue as they go about their thankless task. Not entirely thankless to those who come out on the winning side, of course. To say nothing of the millions of voters standing in long queues with their tongues hanging out. The Prime Minister had to keep changing hand towels during his speeches to massive crowds in Bengal. The man was literally earning his stripes by the sweat of his brow. After all this, whether he will be deified or Didi-fied in Bengal remains to be seen.

 It is also a given that it is virtually impossible, under such trying circumstances, to expect our leaders to display a modicum of understated wit, sarcasm and irony during their campaigning. A Shashi Tharoor might be able to pull it off, provided he speaks in English, but nobody amongst the hoi polloi will follow a word of what he is saying. It’s a good job the suave politician from Keralam (that unsightly ‘m’ again!) is pretty fluent in his mother tongue, the palindromic Malayalam, and gives as good as he gets in the vernacular. Some years ago, when fellow Congressman Mani Shankar Aiyar campaigned in Mayiladuthurai, he did more than a fair job letting fly in Tamil, though he too is far more comfortable, not to mention eloquent, with the Queen’s (or King’s) English. These days, Aiyar’s party keeps him at a less-than-discreet arm’s length, but that has not dimmed the veteran’s weekly oratorical and journalistic sparkle on YouTube and in print.

For most of us who cast our votes and come home to follow the electoral process, observing happenings on television is as much a matter of considerable interest as it is a platform for unlimited, at times morbid, entertainment. God knows we have had our fill of Donald Trump and his shenanigans, and those sixes and fours galore at the interminable IPL is getting to be quite a drag. It is now time to watch our television anchors and their team of special guest speakers giving us the benefit of their views on what is likely to happen post the tiresome and tiring, aam janta’s exercise of their franchise. While we await the actual results, our television channels will keep us glued to our sets with their exit poll predictions, post which we will be dealt the Real McCoy, the actual results. Their teams will consist of psephologists and astrologers apart from the usual suspects of know-alls sympathetic to one political persuasion or the other. We, the chattering class, will avidly soak it all up.

That said, it is instructive to reflect on how the various parties approached households like mine to canvas for votes. A typical preliminary pourparler from a party whose name it will be superfluous to mention, will go something like this. The doorbell rings, you open the door and are greeted by a saffron, kurta clad gentleman with the familiar salutation, ‘Jai Shri Ram Ji Ki.’ At which point you can either slam the door in his face or extend a warm welcome, depending entirely on which side of the political binary you come down on.

In Calcutta, as it then was eons ago, you open the door during election time at your own peril. While you hold the door slightly ajar, it will be brusquely pushed open wide and four or five ruffians waving crimson flags, will extend a donation book with counterfoils in which a pre-determined figure would have already been pencilled in. Usually not less than Rs.500/-. When you look at them aghast and sputter incomprehensibly, they will turn menacing and issue dark threats should you step out of your home and hearth. Discretion being the better part of valour, you meekly cough up. It is the same strategy the hoodlums adopted when demanding ‘Pujo chanda’, donations for Durga Puja celebrations at the local ‘para.’ Whether such a situation still obtains in Didi’s state or not, I am unable to confirm. It’s over 25 years since I left Amar Sonar Bangla.

In Tamil Nadu, a state my ancestors ‘hail’ from, the current practice appears to be far more practical. Households are swamped with kitchen appliances like pressure cookers, microwave ovens, refrigerators and the like. Dollops of cash are also generously distributed. All the parties indulge in this limitless munificence, and since all of them are dressed in spotless, Surf Excelled white ‘veshtis,’ half-sleeve cotton shirts and ‘angavastarams,’ the beneficiaries of all this generosity, namely the voters cannot possibly distinguish one party worker from the other and will ultimately vote for whichever party takes their fancy – quite possibly a dashing celluloid hero of their dreams. Film stars enjoy a very special position in the hearts of a majority of Tamilians. In this glib assessment, I include Puducherry or Pondicherry as it once was, as this Union Territory is but an adjunct of Tamil Nadu and the people and their proclivities don’t change.

Keralam (there I go again) is a bit of a closed book to me when it comes to what it takes to woo voters. The state has, ever since I can recall, enjoyed the status of being ‘the most literate state’ in the country. Under the circumstances, one will have to assume the populace here will not be easily swayed by pressure cookers and empty promises. They know what they want and more pertinently they know what they don’t want. That being the case, irrespective of which party ascends the throne, the common man will retire to a nearby watering hole and avail himself of a large tot of brandy accompanied by a plate of fried mussels, clams and prawns. And for all I know, Shashi Tharoor might actually join them in the repast. For the nonce, the politically astute Tharoor is writing paeans of poetic praise to fellow Keralamite Sanju Samson, in honour of the newly recruited CSK hero’s brilliant exploits in Chepauk and elsewhere. Every little bit helps.

Finally, I make no comment on Assam because I have never been there and know so little about the hilly state. Close relations of mine worked in well-known oil companies there, but that does not appear to have done much good for our limited stock of the golden liquid, now that the Strait of Hormuz has become a sea of madness. Himanta Biswa Sarma seems set for another term as Chief Minister, the only state where the experts are in no doubt as to the likely outcome.

I shall now retire and anticipate, with bated breath, the dubious joys of switching channels while Arnab, Navika, Anand, Rahul (both of them), Zaka and their myriad guests go hammer and tongs at each other over all the minutiae that passes for the great Indian electoral process. And if that begins to pall, I shall move on to YouTube and revel in the worldly wisdom of Karan, Prannoy, Barkha and a host of vernacular experts, many of whom seem to have the pulse on what is really happening out there. So, get that bag of popcorn or the much-publicised ‘jhalmuri’ out with a bottle of beer, or if you are abstemious, a can of American Coke or Pepsi will do just fine. As a pal of mine said, ‘I hate Donald Trump’s guts, but I will have my Diet Coke.’ Happy viewing.

I can state, without fear of contradiction, that my expertise at my desktop computer can at best be described as passable. The same goes for my mobile phone. The latter contains a wealth of goodies which, for the most part I loftily ignore. A spot of messaging, checking out what the stock markets are doing, ongoing cricket or tennis scores and occasionally, particularly if I am in a car (not driving) or waiting at the airport or at the dentist’s, scanning for anything interesting on YouTube. That would be the sum and substance of my mobile phone indulgence.

Nowadays, I strictly avoid scrolling through the mind-boggling variety of news items that some of the celebrated search engines offer. The head honcho of India’s leading IT giant or Bollywood heartthrob Shah Rukh Khan or former cricketing hero Sachin Tendulkar, will appear on screen imploring me to park Rs.5000/- in some ponzi scheme that very morning (it has to be that very morning or the opportunity goes abegging), guaranteeing the while that I shall be richer to the tune of Rs. 1.75 lakhs by the same evening! For variety, I will also be informed that Clint ‘Dirty Harry’ Eastwood has just passed away (he is in his 90s), Eric Clapton and Dustin Hoffman are in critical care (hospital photos provided) and that Bruce Springsteen, Paul Simon and Sting will be doing a 31-city tour of the world with A.R. Rahman joining them in Mumbai and Bangalore. All fakes, or fibs as we used to say in school.

I do spend a great deal more time on my desktop. As a retired professional spending most of my sunset years at home, the desktop provides me with the luxury of sitting back and writing blogs (like this one) and crafting mails to friends, taking care to ensure that the apostrophes and punctuations are properly placed – a virtually impossible task on your mobile phone, where one is literally all thumbs. Having said that, it is not all a bed of roses with my desktop either. Let me elaborate.

The thing is my desktop computer, nice wide screen notwithstanding, is umbilically connected to my printing device. To employ an au courant computer-speak, they ‘talk to each other.’ So, when I fish out a document from one of my many digital files and wish to print the same, I issue a print command. The printer then proceeds to make a variety of strange sounds from the innards of its bowels, all manner of little lights flashing the while, and when all the fuss is over, the sheet of paper finally starts to slowly slide out of the printer. If you are lucky, the document comes out printed perfectly well and the computer makes another final, unintelligible clearing of its throat, as if to say, ‘What a good boy am I!’ However, things don’t always go to plan.

The computer and the printer may have taken the sacred vows of matrimony, but the course of true love does not always run smooth. Those little flashing lights on the printer I just mentioned, all is hunky-dory as long as the lights are blinking green. The moment the red lights come on, trouble is afoot. Either the paper is jammed good and proper, or the printing ink (black and white or colour) has run dry and worst of all, the much-touted nuptials between the printer and the desktop has sprung a leak. Usually, with an uncanny sense of poor timing, this crisis will come upon me or, God-help-me, my better half, just when she is putting the finishing touches to our income-tax-returns. By then, she has become my bitter half! Yes, I freely admit, it is she who takes care of the mind-numbing number crunching. I contribute to the effort by turning the A4 paper over on the printer, page after page. Always assuming the printer and my computer, are playing ball. I came across this quote by American columnist Dave Barry which hits the nail squarely on the head, ‘A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.’

It is not as if the desktop needs the printer to goad it into a serious error of its ways. It is perfectly capable of finding ingenious ways to make my life a hell on earth. Without so much as a by-your-leave, the vowels A and O will, on tapping the keys, become permanently depressed, never to rise again. They will flatly refuse to come out of their depression, putting paid to any further progress on my part to construct that perfect sentence we scriveners strive for. Their depression immediately leads to my depression. How will you feel if your final effort looked like this?  ‘D vid l id l w the mighty G li th.’ Pretty depressed, like A and O, I should imagine. Burn another 6k to buy a new keyboard.

Once in a proverbial blue moon, I will call up one of these IT nerds who, for a not-so-modest fee, will moonlight to come and help poor sods like me when we get irretrievably stuck in some technical glitch. To give them credit, they solve the problem, more often than not. While the nerd is at work, I watch him in sheer amazement and wonder. He operates at the speed of lightning. Every now and then he will stop to take a call on his ear-plugged mobile and utter some unintelligible gobbledegook to a fellow nerd in a lingo only the two of them can follow. Meanwhile, all kinds of images, graphs, numbers, sounds and colours flash on the screen. Does my desktop contain all this stuff, I ask him? What do I know, who only Microsoft Word and Excel know, I ask myself? He does not respond to any of my asinine queries and continues to work at a feverish pace. Must be getting late for another appointment. Another ten minutes of tapping and scrolling, and the nerd’s work is done. ‘Rs.1200/- Sir. UPI Sir, if you don’t mind.’ Making digital payments, fortunately, is within my ambit of competence, so I pay up without demur, but I am not finished with him yet.

‘One question before you go, young man. Thank you very much for taking care of the problem but can you, in layman’s terms, explain how you solved the issue? That way, I can take care of it myself if this problem crops up again.’

He replied patiently, if a wee bit condescendingly. ‘Sorry Sir, I have to rush for a meeting. It will take long to explain and you will not understand. If you face this problem again, which I doubt very much, just call me and I will be with you in a jiffy.’

And doubtless make another quick 1200 chips while you are at it, I thought to myself. I guess I should be grateful and not be quite so mordant. The chap knew his computer onions and I should not begrudge him making a quick buck on the side. Even if he had spent another hour explaining the workings of my machine and how to trouble-shoot, I should have been completely non-plussed. Having come to grips with reality, I get back to my desktop, send up a silent prayer, and proceed with my half-completed blog. Right then, let’s get this show on the road. What did the blighter say? Press Alt and Ctrl simultaneously, then press Shift and finally tap Enter. Or something that sounded vaguely like that. Bloody hell! I did all that and the whole page has been deleted. Every precious word. I should have written it all down, but the nerd was in such a tearing hurry.

At the end of the day, I could do a lot worse than follow the dictates of my favourite humourist, P.G. Wodehouse who said, when he was stuck for an idea or when the ribbon on his Remington ran out of ink, ‘I just sit at my typewriter and curse a bit.’

(A one-act play)

As the curtain rises, Donald ‘The Almighty’ Trump, Pete ‘Attila’ Hegseth, Marco ‘The Cuban’ Rubio, Steve ‘The Golfer’ Witkoff, Jared ‘The Son-in-Law’ Kushner and Bibi ‘I-know-what’s-in-the-Epstein- Files’ Netanyahu are sitting comfortably on the plush sofas at Trump’s Oval Office in The White House. Sitting away from them in a corner of the room on a straight-backed chair is the White House Press Secretary, Karoline ‘The Clueless’ Leavitt, taking notes. A table full of refreshment service, including tea, coffee, soft drinks and small eats can be seen. Buffet service is the order of the day, since waiters, like walls, have ears. Trump opens the conversation.

Trump – ‘Right fellas, here is the latest position on Operation Epic Fury in Iran. We, that is Bibi and I, have bombed the stuffing out of Iran. And Bibi is going solo in Lebanon. Frightened the bejesus out of them. I am talking about Iran. There is nothing left there. All the leaders are blown to kingdom come, all the missiles and aircraft have been smashed to smithereens. I am waiting for confirmation on Kharg Island and the nuclear enrichment plants. Pete, can you bring us up to speed?’

Hegseth – ‘Thank you, Mr. President. May I say what an inspiration our Lord God, the Almighty and Yourself, both same thing really, have been to us and to every single military brave heart…’

Trump interrupts

Trump – ‘For God’s sake Pete, you can keep the flattery and licking-my-boots exercise for later when you address the media. Get on with it, will ya? Time is money and you know how important money is to me.’

Hegseth – ‘Sorry, Mr. President. I will come straight to the point. We have over 200 combat aircraft circling Kharg Island, even as we speak. We have to also keep an eye on that enrichment plant in Isfahan. The problem is the Iranians have 500 anti-aircraft guns, not to mention drones, aimed at all our planes. And our forces are also watching over the heavily mined Strait of Hormuz. So, we are a bit stretched and hesitant about shelling them. But if you give the green signal, we can go ahead. As Churchill said, “Give us the tools, and we will finish the job.”’

Trump – ‘What kind of garbage are you spewing, Pete? I don’t give a rat’s ass what Churchill said nearly a hundred years ago. I thought this was a covert operation. And what about those 150 aircraft that flew in to rescue that poor soldier hiding in some mountain crevice? Oh, hang on everyone, I am getting a call on the hotline from Tehran. One of their leaders wants to talk.’

Netanyahu – ‘I thought you said we had bumped off all their leaders. Which leader is this who wants to talk to you? I think I will just go ahead and nuke them.’

Trump – ‘Hold your horses Bibi, for crying out loud. You are forever crossing me. I thought we were pals. Just because you have something on me….never mind. Let me take this call from whoever is the guy speaking on behalf of whatever is left of their leadership. I am not putting him on speaker because he might get cagey and not reveal his true plans.’

Trump spends the next 10 minutes speaking to the unknown Iranian leader through an interpreter. When the call is over, he turns to his expectant audience.

Trump – ‘Holy Moses, guess what guys? Iran is begging me for a ceasefire. They are down on their knees. I threatened to wipe out their entire civilisation. That’s got them on the hop. Sleepy Joe Biden never had the guts to do that. The feller at the other end, I couldn’t quite catch his name, said he is now the leader of the country and his people want us to stop the bombardment. Iran is suing for peace, as I believe the expression is. Right Karoline?’

Leavitt – ‘If you say so, Mr, President. The expression is new to me.’

Trump – ‘And I thought you had majored in communications. Nice hair-do, by the way, and the gold cross round your neck is a thoughtful, evangelical touch. By the way, didn’t that religious nut, Bob Dylan say God is on our side? Why don’t you try the platinum blonde look, Karoline? You will be a dead ringer for Marilyn Monroe. The television cameras will drool. We can do with the distraction. Sorry, I am rambling all over the place. Not getting enough sleep.’

Rubio – ‘Mr. President, if you will pardon my interrupting, what Bob Dylan actually said or sang was, ‘That if God’s on our side, he’ll stop the next war.’ That is a moot point. Can we get back to the telecon with this supposed Iranian leader, who is suing for peace? What exactly does he want and did he spell out any terms?’

Trump – ‘Ah Marco, Marco, always on the ball. Didn’t know you were a Dylan fan. Wait till I annihilate Cuba. You will be the King of Cuba, Marco. Thanks for dragging me back to the subject on hand. This Ayatollah chap…’

Witkoff – ‘Is he an Ayatollah?’

Trump – ‘They are all Ayatollahs, Steve. Don’t worry about it. How is the putting coming along, by the way? You were terrible on the back nine last Sunday, Steve. You are supposed to be a 9-handicap golfer. I might have to change partners at this rate. Anyhow, let me examine what his terms are. Karoline, I am expecting a fax any second now from Tehran listing out their terms for peace. Will you trot across and bring it, dearie?’

Leavitt – ‘Right away, Mr. President. One quick question, just came in from the New York Times. They ask why, if you have stopped 8 or 9 wars so far, as you have claimed, you are not able to stop this war with Iran, which you yourself started, aided and abetted by Mr. Netanyahu here. The Times is asking, not me.’

Netanyahu – ‘New York Times, eh? I will nuke their offices this minute. They won’t know what hit them.’

Trump – ‘And neither will the entire New York City and State. Please Bibi, why are you so trigger happy? I have no love lost for the New York Times either, and you can add CNN to that list. Let me deal with this.’

Netanyahu – ‘Donald, what got my goat was these NYT chaps saying you started the war with Iran, aided and abetted by me. As if I was your lackey or something. Some cheek! It’s the other way round. It was I who wanted this war to start, for many years now while you hummed and hawed. In the event, you were aiding and abetting me. Just to set the record straight. You had to back me, of course, otherwise I might have had to spill the beans. About you-know-what. As I say, “Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.” Shakespeare.’

Trump – (looking alarmed) ‘Ok Bibi. Don’t blow your top. I am impressed. Nobody has threatened me with Shakespeare before. And stop this nonsense about spilling beans and letting slip the dogs of war, whatever that means. We are holding up Karoline. Run along, girl. That fax message from Iran. Pronto. Leave it to Leavitt, eh?’

He turns to his audience and guffaws at his own poor joke. The others don’t join in his mirth. Karoline rushes out of the Oval Office in a blur.

Trump – ‘While we are waiting for the fax message, Jared, what is your view on the whole situation? You have been rather quiet.’

Jared – ‘I was just observing and learning, Pops, from you and the others. And dreaming of crypto and a few lucrative real estate deals in Pakistan.’

Trump – ‘Less of the Pops please, Jared. We are not at a family dinner. Mr. President will do nicely. Ah, here comes the fax. Let me read it.’

Trump reads the message and promptly blows a gasket.

Trump – ‘Effing hell! Who the eff do they think they are, these s-o-bs? I am going to nuke the hell out of them. Where the eff is that red button and I want the code. Who the eff are they to make demands?’

Netanyahu – ‘Now, now Donald, who is going all nuclear and ballistic now? You can’t use language like that. Not very Presidential. This is going all over the world. Calm yourself. If you want any nukeing to be done, just tell me. I’ve got itchy fingers.’

Trump – ‘What, are these proceedings being conducted in camera?’

Leavitt – ‘Mr. President, ‘in camera’ means ‘in private,’ without cameras. It is one of those English language quirks. We have a battery of cameras here, shooting everything.’

Trump – ‘Oh shoot. Why the hell was I not warned? Those films or cartridges or whatever, cannot go out of this room. See to it, Karoline. By the way, where is JD? Not sulking, I hope?’

Rubio – ‘The Vice President is on his way to Islamabad, Mr. President. Steve and Jared will join him right after this. Their flight is waiting. You sent him to negotiate with the Iranian representative and the Paki interlocutors, Munir and Shehbaz to find a settlement. We even drafted a statement for the Pakis, who released it to the media, forgetting to delete the word ‘Draft.’

Trump – ‘That’s daft. Monkey see, monkey do, eh? Right, then this meeting is at an end.’

Rubio – ‘One suggestion, Mr. President. On the pretext of meeting his in-laws in India why don’t we get JD to stop in New Delhi and butter up Modi? India might be a tad restive what with all of us cosying up to the Pakis. We can use all the friends we can get.’

Trump – ‘Good thinking. Make it happen, Marco. By the way Jared, who are you talking to on your mobile? How many times have I told you…’

Jared – ‘It’s your wife Melania, Mr. President. She has just declared to the world’s media that she was not involved in a relationship with Epstein. New York Times and Washington Post are waiting for your response. With bated breath.’

Leavitt – ‘Mr. President, shall I draft a press release?

Trump gets up, kicks his sofa, hobbles in pain holding his right foot, hurls the jug of water at the painting of George Washington, hollers a volley of unprintable oaths, and stomps out of the Oval Office.

The curtain comes down while Edwin Starr’s hit, War, what is it good for? Absolutely Nothing plays over the theatre’s sound system.

                                     The End

Playwright’s note: Given how swiftly events move on the international geo-political scene, a sequel production is in the pipeline.

Life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits. Anon.

Here is a question for the ages, particularly our present age. Do our mobile phones, or should smartphones be the correct nomenclature, have a mind of their own? We know they, the smartphones that is, can do all kinds of wondrous things at the slightest touch of our digits on their screens, apps or icons. Oftentimes, they do things we don’t even want them to do, but that is a matter for another day. For the most part however, our wish is their command. The search option is a bottomless pit which we mine endlessly for rare nuggets, knowledge, transacting business and entertainment. And to contract a bad case of Digital Eye Strain. We are constantly living in the here and now. I must know, this very nano second, what the BSE Sensex is doing. Ping! Not very well, I am afraid. 1800 points down. A pox on you Trump, and on your slavering war mongrel, Pete Hegseth. And in case he feels we are giving him the cold shoulder, let us throw Netanyahu into the mix as well.

Not to worry, tomorrow a few tramp steamers bound for India will be allowed by the Iranians to pass through the Straits of Hormuz, and the Sensex and Nifty will show their appreciation handsomely, though what they will do the following day is anybody’s guess. That will largely depend on which side of the bed Trump gets up from. But I digress. On a happier note, you can get your smartphone to play music, watch asinine film shorts, follow the cricket scores in real time, read a novel even and worry about your by-now strabismic eyes later. The point is it’s all there for you to mindlessly wallow in. Lest I forget, you can also make and receive simple calls and messages on the instrument (‘Hullo dear, I am running late. Year-end closing. Don’t wait up for me.’) So why am I concerned about my Samsung Galaxy S24 Ultra Android smartphone possessing a mind of its own and acting according to its own volition, whims and fancies? Here is why.

Initially, I did not quite cotton on to this insidious trait that my too clever by half smartphone was ‘gifted’ with. It kind of crept up on me, almost unknowingly. You see, dear reader, it is one thing to pass an idle hour, and ask your handheld companion an inane question like, ‘Can I control my blood sugar without having to give up on chocolates and ice-cream?’ After which you will be flooded with an alarming number of posts on your phone providing you with instant fixes from the world of Allopathy, Ayurveda, Yoga, Homeopathy, Naturopathy, Chinese potions (lizard’s tail and rhino horn powder, anyone?) and a plethora of other solutions from all over the world. ‘We offer you a three-month trial, the first month will be free, all for just $ 99. Full refund guaranteed if you are not satisfied, less postage and administrative costs.’ Furthermore, these busybodies do not confine their curative counsel to blood sugar issues alone. Incontinence, impotence, depression, back aches, neck aches, acne, ingrowing toe nails – you name it, they have a magic potion, pill or powder to take care of your worries. You get the picture. Up to a point, I can understand this avalanche of messages, painful as it is. After all, you went in to their site and made an inquiry on pre-diabetes, and they gave you much more than you asked for. So, stop whining.

My pressing issue is to do with strange things that happen via your smartphone when you have not actually asked or searched, for anything. I can see you are foxed. So was I. Allow me to elaborate. You have just finished reading The Outsider( L’Étranger) by Albert Camus. For the second time, it must be said, because you were barely out of your teens when you ploughed through it the first time, more to impress the boys and girls in college. Reading it the second time round was more satisfying, though it is a grim tale. No, no, not Grimm’s fairy tales. Just a grim, sordid tale well told, about a bloke who kills a complete stranger for no more compelling reason than that the heat, dust and sun on a beachfront in Algiers was driving him crazy. So far so good. Now here comes the eerie part. After putting through a call to my gas agency to inquire about my cylinder delivery (another 15 days), I dive into Google on my trusty mobile to do some searching on inexpensive after shave unguents.  

Guess what? The first thing that pops up on the screen bears the legend, ‘You might want to check out more novels by Albert Camus and similar authors.’ I kid you not. Followed by a long list of books by the late Nobel Laureate and a further selection by the likes of Kafka, Sartre, Bertrand Russell, Sylvia Plath and others of that existential, moody genre. This helpful information, which I did not seek, took me directly to Amazon advising me helpfully to ‘Add to cart.’ How did this happen? Am I being watched by some Big Brother type? While you’re at it, add George Orwell to that list. It sent shivers up and down my spine, I can tell you. A few minutes later, I was flooded with after shave brand choices which was on expected lines. From existential literature to after shave balms in the blink of an eye was quite a leap, but that’s the internet for you. The boffins tell me it is something to do with algorithms, AI and data points, but I am not convinced.

A few days on, my wife asked me if I had taken care of the annual household and car insurance renewals, which was due in a week’s time. A timely reminder. I thought I should revisit the terms of my existing insurance companies and trawl through a couple of other competitive options before refreshing my policies. I emphasise that all this was only swirling around in my mind space. I had not actually gone into any website to glean further information. By now, you might have divined what happened next, dear reader. I opened my mobile phone and the first thing that accosts me on the screen bears this bold lead-in, ‘Are you looking for the best deal for your car or household insurance?’ Followed by a slew of enticing information on why they are among the most dynamic insurance companies to work with. As if all this were not enough, my mobile starts ringing incessantly. ‘Good morning, Sir, I am Ashok from Fledgling Insurance Company. Your household insurance expires on blah blah date. Can I fix an appointment to come and meet you? We offer mouth-watering deals.’ Diabolical. And through the next few days, Arun from Smoothy Insurance, Afsana from Dubious Insurance and Ashish from Hole-in-the-Wall Insurance launch an unbearable assault on my time and eardrums. I resisted a strong urge to do a Google search for hearing-aids.

It has been subsequently explained to me (in words of less than three syllables) by those in the know of such matters that all this is not as macabre and ghoulish as one might experience in an Edgar Allan Poe novel. One’s mobile number is no longer a matter of zealously guarded privacy. It changes hands from party to party and before you can say ‘Press 1 for English,’ more than 5000 thousand individuals, corporates and small-time shady operators have your number, in more ways than one. And counting! Ergo, one might as well stop complaining endlessly about invasion of privacy. There is no such thing anymore. If you are into online banking, just make sure you keep changing your passwords frequently; and save or write it down somewhere, else you’re a dead goner. Not that that is any guarantee that you will not be digitally robbed blind soon thereafter. To cap it all, next time you pick up your smartphone and hear a voice over the ether saying, ‘Good evening, this is Akshata from Safety First Insurance,’ cut the line pronto and block Akshata on your instrument. She might sound seductive but you bite into that rotten apple at your own risk. Of course, that is no certitude that you won’t receive a call five minutes later from Dennis representing Desperate Insurance. Just grin and bear it.

As Frank “Ol’ Blue Eyes” Sinatra famously crooned, That’s Life.

                    

This week I come to sing the praises of car brands that use every tool of persuasion at their disposal to sell you a particular brand of vehicle. The marketing and selling effort in a highly competitive field, with several Indian and imported brands vying for the customer’s eyeballs and attention, cannot be overpraised. You are prodded and seduced over every available media channel from television, print and social media to buy that brand of vehicle that will add to your swelling pride and win your girlfriend’s heart. (Advertising invariably targets the younger aspirational age group.) The engine will purr like a satisfied cat and envy will be writ large on the driver of every other vehicle that you will overtake with effortless ease. In short, a real head turner. As a former advertising professional, I am fully in sync with claims and counterclaims that are part and parcel of the marketing mix. Unique Selling Proposition? That is old hat, now resting peacefully with the late advertising guru who coined the term, Rosser Reeves’ soul.

It matters little which brand of car or model you might be feasting your eyes on, because pretty much every brand makes the same claims. A bit like toothpaste. You can go for the petrol or diesel, automatic or manual gear option, though the salesman will convince you to take the automatic, adroitly avoiding mentioning the extra moolah you have to cough up for the privilege. ‘Less work for your legs, Sir.’ The mileage factor will be talked up. ‘14 km per litre in-city, Sir,’ which is a crock of ordure, but he has a job to do. A rainbow choice of colours will also be available. ‘I think Madam is keen on the Cherry Cerise, Sir. An excellent choice.’ Ah well, a sucker is born every minute, as P.T. Barnum said. Now here comes the caveat. Notwithstanding all that, your shiny, new pride and joy could, without so much as a by-your-leave, suddenly stall in the middle of the road, inviting a cacophony of blaring horns all around you, to say nothing of the choicest invective and killer looks directed at you. I will come to that anon.

One such brand claimed me for its own just under a year ago in our garden city of Bangalore. Just in case you get the wrong impression given my opening remarks, the car I purchased was not a luxury model, though the brand is well known in India. It is a decent model, not quite common or garden, not quite ultra-premium, but somewhere between and betwixt; shorn of ostentatious frills, meant for an average middle-class household. I shall refrain from naming the brand because it will be invidious and not relevant to the discussion. Furthermore, I still have issues to sort out with the authorised dealer from whom I had bought the vehicle.

It was a Sunday and we had agreed to lunch with friends at a restaurant approximately an hour’s drive from where we lived. Accordingly, I opted to hire a driver, the more to arrive at our destination in a relaxed frame of mind. There was also a decent chance that good wine was on the menu and the return journey would have inevitably involved a much-needed shut eye. So off we drove, into the wild, blue yonder to this fancy eating house anticipating a hearty repast, made all the more enjoyable knowing mine host was footing the bill. We were barely half way through the journey with nary an indication that anything was amiss when, ‘ayyayyo,’ the car came to a complete halt. Dead in its tracks. The driver tried everything he could to wake the vehicle up – moved the gear up, down and sideways, turned the ignition key clockwise and cursed freely. Nothing doing. The car had downed tools and that was that. Naturally, the air-conditioning system went on the blink and our misery had barely commenced.

It was just a matter of fortuitous happenstance that the car did not halt at a traffic junction. Instead, we were stranded next to Bangalore’s famed leafy, tree-lined Cubbon Park, across the road from the equally famous Chinnaswamy cricket stadium, home to Bangalore’s IPL darlings, Royal Challengers – RCB. (Oh look, there’s Virat!). The weather in March was just beginning to turn warm but it was still bearable. After a few more futile attempts, it became clear that our brand-new car had struck work and decided that it was a stubborn mule and not a mechanical cum technological wonder, as the advertising campaign had so seductively claimed. We were in a mulligatawny soup, good and proper, and my thoughts turned to lunch where our hosts will be mulling over soup and starters, while the vino, red or white, flowed freely. All the while wondering what had happened to us (‘Waiter, another refill please’). As you may have observed by my rambling on incoherently about wine, soup and starters, we were beginning to get disoriented. I was seeing mirages. Like Peter O’Toole reprising Lawrence of Arabia in the desert. It was now clear our lunch was a non-starter, like our car, so we called our hosts to give them the bad news. They offered their sympathy and were deeply saddened at our plight. We wished them bon appétit.

About now, my throat was beginning to get parched and the gastric juices in my stomach, deprived of its lunch time inputs and craving a plateful of Ceasar or Waldorf salad, was beginning to swish around noisily like a bathtub gurgling when you pull out the stopper to let the water drain. We were stranded in a pleasant place but the nearest roadside eatery was miles from nowhere. Not even a bottle of mineral water in sight. Curious passers-by stopped to look, as passers-by tend to do, tut-tutted sympathetically and went on their way. Just then a young couple, cooing sweet nothings to each other, strolled past us. They were carrying a backpack, an integral part of today’s accoutrements, which I was sure contained a bottle of drinking water. Despite my wife’s protests, I waved them down and inquired if they had the bottled H2O to quench our thirst. Bless their tender hearts, they not only handed over their Bisleri but insisted we keep it for ourselves. Their hearts bled for this septuagenarian couple. I made a feeble, insincere protest but they weren’t having it any other way. Mind you, we could have ordered something from Swiggy or Zomato who would have reached the comestibles to our location instanter, but we literally didn’t have the stomach for it.

Time passed. Very slowly. My good wife, the driver and I took turns in diverting the burgeoning traffic away from our car. A passing cop was impressed by our traffic warden act. It was now past 3 pm. We had been stranded there for over three hours. The car service agent sent round a chap in a two-wheeler with a spare car battery to try and fix things, but he soon gave up the ghost after much fiddling. There was nothing for it but to arrange a tow service. The tow van was coming from the other end of the city and finally arrived an hour later. By now my mobile phone battery was showing 15% life left. Crisis loomed. Our car was then winched up by its rear wheels (‘hind legs’ as the late British comedian Tony Hancock memorably described it), photos were taken of the vehicle from all angles and it was driven off as we bade a tearful farewell. Thank heavens the car was fully insured.

We still had a bit more drama to face. The free car service arranged by the company to take us home called at the last minute citing some flimsy reason for not being able to come. It was Les Misérables come full circle! We then managed to hop on to one of Bangalore’s ubiquitous autos to drop us home at extortionate rates, citing Trump and Iran, but we warmed to the driver who spoke perfect English and kept us occupied on the long, bumpy, bone-rattling ride with a sob story of his own – successful business ran aground, family in strife, children to educate and marry, medical issues, no insurance, had to take up this leased auto to keep body and soul together. My eyes welled up. We gave him double the amount we had negotiated. P.T. Barnum surfaces again!

At last, home again, home again, jiggety-jig! When will we get our car back? Who knows? Who cares? I am staying put till the cows come home.

Here’s the thing. Every now and then, I keep getting asked if I am a writer. I give it a brief think and reply that I write. About once a week. If that answers the question. Then there is the counter question. Yes, but does that make you a writer? Good question, for which I do not have a ready answer. I titled one of my compilation books I write, therefore I am. Which sounds a bit existential but whether it makes any sense or not, I am unable to say. A close friend even chastised me for being pretentious. Which immediately prompted me to respond in Sybil Fawlty fashion. Sybil who? you ask. From Fawlty Towers. Of which if you have not heard, you are more to be pitied than censured. In one sequence Sybil Fawlty comments on the person who responded to the accusation of being pretentious thus, ‘Pretentious? Moi?’ I agree that a line like that gains risibility more in the telling than in the written word, but I can live with that.

I was a boarder in a well-known Protestant missionary school in Bangalore during the early 60s. In order that we hone and polish our English, we were given a special assignment whenever we went home for our summer holidays, the killjoys. Those were the days when we would sing on the joyful train journey home to Calcutta, a la Cliff Richard, ‘We’re all going on a summer holiday / No more working for a week or two / Fun and laughter on a summer holiday / No more worries for me or you / For a week or two.’ Except that this assignment during our five-week holiday, on which we will be assessed, involved the maintaining of a personal diary and faithfully recording what happened every day of the week during the long leave, punctuations properly in place. Enough to totally ruin the vacation, but failure to do this invited trouble, our teachers’ motto being, ‘Spare the Malacca cane and spoil the child.’ Capital punishment was not frowned upon.

To add to our woes, our class master wrote to our parents about this unusual ‘homework’ and enjoined upon them the duty to ensure that we did not stray from the straight and narrow. It was bad enough strolling around in school with ink-stained fingers and shirt pockets thanks to our perennially leaky fountain pens. Having to put up with this unsightliness at home and amongst friends on leave, was adding insult to injury. Nevertheless, the exercise book which passed for my diary beckoned every morning. Oh, and lest I forget, we were encouraged to listen to the news on BBC World Service Radio (on the hour, every hour) in order to improve our diction and pronunciation. Given the time difference, here in India that translates into on the half-hour, every half-hour.

In Calcutta, which was located, geographically speaking 22°34′03″N 88°22′12″E (my Geography master would have liked that) the sun, particularly in summer which was about eight to nine months in the year, came up at 5 am, give or take. Even if I wanted to sleep late, my father would draw the curtains to let the rude sun stream in. Meanwhile the pressure cooker in the kitchen would whistle and steam loud enough to wake the dead. My mother could be heard unctuously humming some Carnatic hit while she attended to the coffee fixings for the family, admirably multi-tasking to get the lunch ready. Late rising therefore was a non-starter. Some irony this. Even in boarding school, Saturdays meant late rising at 7.30 am. What price holidays, I asked? To no avail.

My father said we should devote 7.30 to 8.30 in the morning, when the mind is fresh, to writing up the diary to record the previous day’s highlights. After our ablutions we were free to be carefree kids enjoying our summer holidays. Imagine, if you will, this routine was fixed for us spotty-faced kids between the ages of 10 and 14. That being the case, what would my diary have read like. Sadly, I have not retained that precious exercise book that might have presaged my future as an inveterate columnist and blogger. So, I have to rev up my time machine, dive deep into my memory bank and become that early-teen boy again and see how I fare. Shades of The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13 ¾ by the late, delightful Sue Townsend.

What follows is a typical day of the week, jotted down in that precious, sadly missing, diary. Poetic licence has been taken and forgive me traversing freely between past and present tense. This is a summary for the entire week as most of the days were unvarying in their routine, with a few exceptions. Remember, we lived in the pre-mobile, stone age.

Woke up at 6 am after being pushed and prodded by my father from 5 am. He didn’t exactly say, ‘Wakey, wakey sunshine,’ but it was a near thing.

Brush teeth and given a tumbler of coffee by my mother, which was meant to act as a laxative. An old wives’ tale, I’ll wager. At times, a Britannia glucose or thin arrowroot biscuit was provided as accompaniment to provide energy. Fat chance!

Move to the drawing room. Pick out a record for the Grundig radiogram. We could stack eight 45 or 78 rpm ‘plates’ and they would drop down and play one after the other! Elvis Presley’s Wooden Heart or Pat Boone’s Speedy Gonzalez? Decisions, decisions. Mother yells from the kitchen in Tamil, ‘Play M.S.’s Bhaja Govindam.’ Diva M.S. Subbulakshmi wins the day. Wake me up in the middle of the night and I will sing that bhajan for you. On another morning, it could be Semmangudi, Lalgudi, Ariyakudi, GNB, MMI, MLV or DKP. When Carnatic musicians are known only by their initials or village names, they have achieved immortality.

Nearly 9 am. Time for a bath. Father reminds me to switch the geyser off. It is boiling hot in Calcutta, but the geyser must be switched on. And off. It’s a ritual. Something to do with keeping the equipment in trim.

Meanwhile, father has left for work in his Standard 10, suited and booted; as befits a senior bank official. He drives at an average speed of 15 kph, which is slow even by Calcutta’s notorious traffic crawl. He waves to bullock carts to overtake him. He is a cautious driver.

By 11 am, mother announces lunch. We never did breakfast. The mashed potato preparation, ‘podi maas,’ is yummy. Why could she not make more of it? My mother is a frugal cook. She staunchly believed over-eating is bad for health. Not sure what her view on under-eating was.

Post lunch, time to call up a friend or two on the landline. I still remember our number – 459806. The phone is dead. Which is most of the time in Calcutta of the 60s and 70s. The term mobile or cell phone was a few decades away from entering our lexicon.

I have been advised to read a good book, at least 10 pages a day. Our home library is limited but there’s some good stuff. Conan Doyle, Wodehouse, Agatha Christie, Erle Stanley Gardner. Naturally, I opt for Zane Grey’s cowboy stuff – ‘I’ll drill yer like a dawg, you yellow-bellied, lily-livered chicken.’ (The ability to appreciate Wodehouse came later). There were also a couple of Irving Wallace and Harold Robbins tomes, which my father declared was unsuitable for kids. Which meant we read them on the sly.

3 pm. I was packed off to study Carnatic music from a respected guru who lived within walking distance. My family felt I had the makings of a good singer. On the way to music class, I could be heard humming Please, Please Me by The Beatles. And after a heavy bout of Kalyani and Bhairavi at music class, my return walk home would find me in top voice crooning Connie Francis’ Lipstick On Your Collar. Back home, I had to regurgitate whatever I learnt that day to my mother, minus The Beatles and Connie Francis.

4.30 pm. Tune in to BBC World Service Radio on 25 or 31 metre band on our versatile radiogram for the news. Lots of stuff about the eyeball-to-eyeball stand-off between Kennedy and Khrushchev over missiles in Cuba, starving children during the conflict in Biafra, Idi Amin’s shenanigans, the Queen visits the Cayman Islands (among the few colonies the British still have), volcanic eruptions near Java and Sumatra and the cricket scores summary from the ongoing Ashes series. Other than the cricket, nothing else made sense to me, but I learnt how to pronounce Khrushchev and names of cities and some unusual words. Which was the general idea. The spore of a notion of becoming a news reader at the BBC was embedded in my mind, but never germinated.

5 to 6.30 pm. Played tennis ball street cricket with bricks acting as stumps, plumb, spang in the middle of a busy street. Approaching vehicles would be directed suitably by the chaps fielding at deep third man or long on. This was a time-honoured tradition in Calcutta and woe betide anyone who tried to stop us.

Back home by 7 pm. Listen to some more music and await dinner at 8.30. On occasion we would attend a Tamil play or a Carnatic music concert by some maestro. On rare occasions, we would be taken to see an English film (The Sound of Music, My Fair Lady, The Guns of Navarone and The Absent-minded Professor readily spring to mind). Followed by a north-Indian vegetarian treat at the poky, Hindustan Restaurant on Lindsay Street.

9.30 pm was lights out. My father personally saw to that. I may as well have been in school.

That pretty much was it. There were slight variants each week. Sometimes a football match between the two marquee clubs of Calcutta, Mohan Bagan and East Bengal brought the city to a standstill. Other times, some political party or the other declared a ‘bandh’ which meant a forced holiday. Everyone, including shops downed shutters. Had to sit at home and stare at each other all day. Not much fun.

At the end of it all, my class master gave me 8 on 10 for my diary jottings. The effort was worth the candle, after all. If only I hadn’t gone and lost the damn thing.

I have won many trophies in my time, but nothing will ever top helping win the battle for peace in my country. Ivorian footballer Didier Drogba.

At the outset, I must emphasize that I was not really planning to write about cricket as I had already done so just a few weeks ago, and most of us are probably fed up to the back teeth on the subject. However, needs must. I wish to touch upon an aspect of the game that might have escaped the attention of most cricket aficionados.

Let me tell you what was the most significant factor that contributed to India’s winning the T20 World Cup in Ahmedabad last week. Oh, all right, you go first. Sanju Samson? Good try but no. Just a few games ago, our selectors did not want to know about Samson. Now he is the best thing since sliced bread. The word fickle springs to mind. Jasprit Bumrah? That’s an even better try, a no-brainer but again, no can do. Ishan Kishan’s belligerence or Shivam Dube’s explosive cameos? Axar Patel’s electric fielding? Look pal, I have already said no to the prime contenders Sanju and Jasprit, let’s get serious. Next thing, you will be telling me it is coach Gautam Gambhir’s unsmiling, implacable strategy and vision that was the key to misfiring captain, Suryakumar Yadav’s (SKY to his friends) calm leadership that won us the cup. All else failing, you will stress on the benign, batting paradise of a pitch which our batsmen ravenously feasted on, having been generously invited to take first strike. Balderdash. Can’t you think out of the box? Why did the New Zealanders unravel spectacularly on that same strip?

Give up? For crying out loud, India’s lifting the coveted trophy had nothing to do with anyone who was present at the Narendra Modi stadium where battle was joined with the hapless Kiwis and won handsomely by the home team. I gave you a big hint there. Still don’t get it? You are beyond help. Then let me spoon-feed you. It had nothing to do with anyone who was actually present at the big game. It was the conspicuous absence of our Prime Minister at the venue that clinched the deal! The secret ingredient that was not added. Remember what happened in November 2023 at the same venue? We played against Australia in the final of the ODI 50-over World Championship. At the starting gates India were firm favourites and fully expected to win under Rohit Sharma’s stewardship, home advantage with massive blue-shirted support and the icing on the cake; the PM’s inspiring presence.

The PM landed up all right, all togged up for the occasion, resplendent in a spanking electric blue waistcoat, blue and orange-lined scarf meticulously matching the Indian team’s colour code and spotless white kurta, to give our boys all the morale-boosting encouragement any national leader would give up his parliamentary seat to provide. Just think of the photo-op. And what happened? The spanking electric blue outfit, far from providing the desired impetus, culminated in a sound spanking at the hands of Australia that completely silenced the 100,000+ crowd. The Aussies won in a canter showing a clean pair of heels to the unfortunate Rohit Sharma and his straggling charges. The Prime Minister’s opportunistic and vicariously hoped-for pride and joy was short lived. Instead, he was reduced to generously lending his broad, consoling shoulders in the players’ dressing room for all the Indian cricketers to lean on and shed copious tears. He came, he saw and did not quite conquer but that was not his fault. The stars were not properly aligned.  Congratulations turned to commiserations. That did not prevent Rahul Gandhi from pouncing on the main chance and rubbing it in and dubbing the PM a ‘Panauti,’ one who is a bad omen!

So, as I am saying, Mr. Modi’s decision to abstain from this year’s T20 World Cup final at the eponymously named colosseum in Ahmedabad, was one of his best decisions. And lest we forget, he had plenty to tackle on his plate – Trump, Netanyahu, Trump, Putin, Trump, Iran’s Supreme Leader Khamenei, Trump, Hormuz Straits, Trump, oil, gas, Om Birla, Trump and all the Opposition party members baying for his blood. His wisdom and sagacity, by not putting in an appearance at a cricket match, thus ensuring the cameras at the stadium stayed focused on the players and not on him (had he attended) is to be lauded. The cameras did turn, now and then to our Home Minister’s son and heir, ICC boss Jay Shah and past captains Kapil Dev, M.S. Dhoni and Rohit Sharma and the inevitable odd industrialist and Bollywood star, but that was par for the course. In any case, in the absence of the ubiquitous Sachin Tendulkar and Virat Kohli (where were they?), Dhoni, Rohit and Kapil Dev were inspirational images on screen. After all they were the ones who shepherded India’s previous World Cup victories.

Notwithstanding all that, it is a given that the triumphant Indian cricketers will be invited soon to the Prime Minister’s residence for tea at 7, Lok Kalyan Marg. The TV and still cameras will be working overtime, have no fear. This is in keeping with time-honoured tradition. Quite recently, our women cricketers won the ICC Women’s World Cup for the first time and were feted by the PM at his residence. To give the man credit, he had done his homework on each and every one of the girls and asked them specific questions pertaining to their lives, their families and other titbits that had the likes of skipper Harmanpreet Kaur, Smriti Mandana, Deepti Sharma, Jemima Rodrigues, Shefali Varma and others totally floored. It was a memorable evening our ‘sheroes’ will never forget. Expect more of the same when SKY and his boys turn up for dhokla, khandvi, thepla, sukhdi and tea or rose milk with Mr. Modi.

At least we in India should be grateful our leaders do not behave the way the FBI Director Kash Patel celebrated in the locker room of the U.S. hockey team after they garnered the gold medal at the recently concluded Winter Olympics in Milan. Against Trump’s new bete noir, Canada. Holding a bottle of beer, he was seen jumping up and down in wild ecstasy, yelling and screaming, while the rest of the ‘jock’ hockey team joined him in an orgy of bacchanalian celebration. Frankly, it was all very testosterone-driven and not in the least bit becoming of a man holding such high office in supposedly ‘the world’s most powerful country.’ That said, Kash Patel is one of Trump’s hand-picked men and this kind of conduct is only to be expected. Not that he has anything remotely to do with India, but many Indians, particularly those from our Prime Minister’s home state, dearly wish this American Patel’s ancestors did not hail from Gujarat. We would not have batted an eyelid if Bollywood star Ranveer ‘Dhurandhar’ Singh did a few energetic dance steps in the dressing room with our boys after the win, but we expect decorum to characterise political leaders in a similar setting. If that means proffering a shoulder to cry on, be they tears of joy or sadness, so be it.

In conclusion, it would be ideal if our Prime Minister desists from attending future cricket matches and similar. Bad joss. Let him watch the game from home, and depending on the result, he can decide if he wishes to host the team at his sylvan gardens. Or not. More to the point, we are more likely to win, as we have just witnessed, if he does not grace the game with his presence: even if the venue bears his name. Not for nothing did the poet say, ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder.’

             

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. José Maria de Eça de Queiroz.

Those of you who are familiar with my weekly ramblings, will know that I am not all that partial towards political commentary. My readership may be limited, to put it diplomatically, but we few, we happy few, we band of brothers and sisters are quite content to mosey along with my light-hearted observations on this, that and the other. It is not that I have never touched upon political upheavals of earth-shattering importance, but I tend to touch upon it ever so lightly and pass on to matters more meaningful and relevant to my oeuvre. Like sidelights at a lit fest, my serendipitous meetings with celebrities over time, the trials and tribulations of bringing up a pet Cocker Spaniel, boarding school capers, the challenges of traversing between western pop and Indian Carnatic music, random visits to our family doctor, the magic of Federer – and so much more. These are all part of the warp and woof (or weft, if you prefer) of my life and one finds so much to share in an engaging way with my covey of readers.

Then again, when I look at the distinguished galaxy of politicians, economists, commentators, bureaucrats, literary giants, journalists and other worthies who regularly hold forth eloquently on a variety of domestic and international issues, I am loath to butt in and jostle among them. Two is company, three is a crowd as the saying goes. Just consider. Here in India, we have the likes of Shashi Tharoor, Mani Shankar Aiyar, his sibling the economist Swaminathan Aiyar, Karan Thapar, Swapan Dasgupta, Ramchandra Guha, Barkha Dutt and so many more from the crème de la crème. Tharoor, we all know, is equally felicitous writing on serious matters of politics and turning his hand towards matters frothy, whenever the mood takes him. Aiyar, Sr. is immensely readable even when he, or particularly when he directs his razor-sharp nib towards his many bêtes noires in the ruling dispensation or for that matter, in his own party’s rank and file. When he goes one step further to heap praise on the rival Communist Party leadership in Kerala, his own party colleagues blanch and run for the hills. I think the point I am making is that I am better off steering clear of politics, if I can help it. Simply lack the heft.

This week I cannot help it. And therein lies the rub, as Hamlet was wont to say. With Trump in the White House directing his troops (fronted by Israel) in Iran, the world is in turmoil – the last three letters of that word bearing special significance. Apart from Trump’s grand design, our own politicians here in India, that is Bharat, have also been giving us plenty to think about. Trump struts around saying he has stopped eight wars and is about to stop the ninth, namely, the Iran imbroglio. Not that anyone is buying. That it is he, Donald Trump, aided and abetted by Israel, who started this particular war unlike the other eight, is conveniently brushed under the carpet. He claims the Ayatollah Khamenei was out to obliterate him, but he got to the Ayatollah first! Tell that to the U.S. Marines, Mr. President. Operation Epic Fury ahoy!

As to the other eight wars he claims to have stopped, notably the recent India – Pakistan skirmish, he is under the illusion that if he keeps on repeating that fib, it becomes the truth. What is more, he has Pakistan on his side to endorse his stand while thanking him brokenly and cravenly. Still and all, the much coveted Nobel Peace Prize continues to elude him. Fortunately, the Indian Government is maintaining a discreet silence on this issue, much to Trump’s chagrin. Furthermore, the Russia – Ukraine war is ongoing with no sign of an end in sight and that confrontation is barely getting a mention these days. However, we cannot stop Donald from blowing his own trumpet ceaselessly and tunelessly. He should be more worried about stories circulating freely about the late Jeffrey Epstein and his strumpets!

It is also not very clear what Madam Sonia Gandhi and her brood aim to achieve by rapping the Prime Minister over the knuckles for not expressing condolence at the death of the Ayatollah Khamenei and his cohorts at the hands of the U.S.-Israel ‘axis of evil.’ Not that I am fully in sync with the arbitrary way in which the United States goes about seeking whom they may devour for highly arguable reasons, but Mrs. Gandhi surely knows the pitiable and less-than-subservient status of women in Iran and how the Ayatollah has done everything he can to take the country back to the medieval ages. This is playing misplaced politics by the Congress Party apparatchiks. That said, news has just filtered through that the Indian government has belatedly opted to be politic and signed in the Iranian condolence book. Trust Mogambo khush hua.

Here in India, the Congress Party’s rapidly greying but youthful head, Rahul Gandhi, has grandly declared that he is more than willing to take over the reins of the government as Prime Minister, as and when he gets the call. This ambitious, if premature, statement was made at the behest of the Telangana Chief Minister Revanth Reddy’s obsequious announcement that Rahul Gandhi is the man tailor-made for the job. Now then, quite apart from the fact that other members of the INDI Alliance have different views on the subject, the issue is at best academic. Consider the facts.

Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Stalin has stated that Mamata Banerjee is best suited for taking over from the present incumbent, namely, Prime Minister Modi – not in so many words but the inference is clear. Stalin has also modestly expressed his view that he cannot be considered PM material because of his linguistic limitations, but that he is more than happy to steer the alliance in some other capacity. As for Mamata Banerjee, she has more than provided enough signals that she is the ‘best man’ for the job. Where all this whimsical playing of musical chairs to move into 7 Lok Kalyan Marg leaves the likes of Akhilesh Yadav, the Pawar clan, Uddhav Thackeray, Tejaswi Yadav, the momentarily reverberating Arvind Kejriwal and others is a matter for speculation. Each one comprising that strange coalition is attempting to drink from the same brackish well. Is it any wonder that the BJP leadership is lolling back comfortably and smacking its lips, like the cat that’s had its cream, secure in the knowledge that they themselves do not need to do anything out of the ordinary to return to power at the next General Elections. The Opposition parties are doing it all for them.

Another thing about Indian politics. The Opposition has defined its role over the years quite literally. Ergo, it must on principle live up to its name and oppose anything and everything that the Treasury benches propose. This bull-headed attitude cuts across party lines. If the current BJP dispensation sits in the Opposition anytime soon (and that is a very big if), they will do the exact same thing – oppose everything that is thrown at them. The only exception to this mulish rule is when India is at war with one of our hostile neighbours. Then the Opposition parties, en masse, will express solidarity with our ‘brave jawans’ but the ruling Government will be pointedly kept out of the honourable mentions. As a British statesman observed many moons ago, ‘The duty of an Opposition is very simple: to oppose everything and propose nothing.’

However, for unvarnished arrogance, Pete Hegseth, U.S. Secretary of War’s (Defence has been jettisoned for the nonce) daily press briefings will take some beating. To put it bluntly, he takes the marzipan cake. In keeping with his master’s voice, Hegseth presents an exaggeratedly aggressive posture telling the world how America is winning the war hands down, and how the Iranian skies are choc-a-bloc with American aircraft raining fire and brimstone on the infidel, who is running for cover but has nowhere to hide. Britain’s wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill put it rather neatly, ‘In wartime, truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.’

Hegseth also frequently invokes God, reminiscent of Bob Dylan’s ironic lyrics, ‘for you don’t count the dead when God’s on your side.’ Only Pete is not so clever and distinctly off key. If Hegseth has a direct pipeline to the Almighty, the Iranians are bound to make a similar claim. With knobs on. At this rate, the Gods of all denominations will down tools and take a long break. Try as he might, even ‘Pistol’ Pete Hegseth will struggle to match his boss Trump’s address at the Medal of Honor ceremony for three valorous American soldiers. He talked at length admiringly about the ‘beautiful’ gold curtains and drapes, and the ‘beautiful’ $400 million ballroom under construction in the White House to an astonished press, while his soldiers were fighting and dropping like flies in Iran. Try topping that for a tasteless non sequitur. In the words of one of the beloved, zany Goon Show catchphrases, ‘It’s all rather strange, really. Ying tong iddle I po.’

And that, more or less, wraps it up this week for me. As I said, commenting seriously on political developments is not really my bag but I had to make an exception this week. A tad non-seriously, I asked myself as a common man, ‘What will we do without politicians? Then again what will they do without us?’ That’s ample food for thought.