You have reached your destination

You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says, ‘After 200 metres, stop and let me out!’

Up until about five years ago, I had employed a permanent driver. As I was fully involved in my marketing consultancy assignments, driving long distances to my clients’ offices in Bangalore under impossible traffic conditions was a given. And let us not even talk about parking problems. Under the circumstances, employing a driver was money well spent, both for the sake of convenience and peace of mind. Once I decided to retire altogether from my consultancy business, my driver was clearly surplus to requirements. However, I kept him on because my wife and I felt sorry for him, though our call for his services was minimal. Putting him out to grass would have meant he would have had to look for another job in these straitened times. The problem was taken out of my hands when, most tragically, he was involved in a horrific two-wheeler accident from which he did not survive.

Shocking as that incident was, that is not the primary aim of this week’s ruminations. My late driver, being reasonably adept at using his mobile phone and the ubiquitous Global Positioning System (GPS) to guide him to unknown destinations, I never really bothered to familiarise myself with this crucial aspect of my hand-held companion. Now that I have once again started steering the wheel, for the most part over reasonable distances (one can always hire a driver these days for one-off long journeys), I had to learn to use my mobile phone loaded with the GPS app, while a female voice with an American, British or Korean accent would guide me through the ins and outs of the city. That said, my confidence was still at a low ebb. ‘Even a ten-year old child can handle a GPS,’ scolded some of my friends.

That was just the point, you see. Ten-year olds, why, even five-year olds have no issues with a mobile phone. Two thumbs are all they need and the mobile phone is their oyster. Whoever said ‘He is all thumbs’ to denote clumsiness, clearly made that observation long before the advent of the mobile phone. Speaking of which, I am strictly a one forefinger man when it comes to tapping the keys on my mobile. Takes more time but better safe than sorry, autocorrect notwithstanding. I tried the two thumbs approach, which the youth of today overwhelmingly favour, and a simple sentence on WhatsApp such as ‘Where should we meet for lunch?’ turned up as ‘wwwwhhrree shoooos wwiiii mmeeaatt ffurr hhuunge?’ Before you ask, of course I pressed the ‘send’ key without checking the text first. Cardinal sin.

Let me get back to my driving with the aid of the indispensable GPS. As I draft this blog, my familiarity with GPS has considerably improved though practice has yet to make it perfect. As a broad guide to things to be wary of while taking the audio help of your foreign guide through the tiny and tinny speakers of your mobile phone, here is my list of the metaphorical potholes you might encounter.

1. If you are approaching a T-junction, when you must needs be told whether to turn left or right, the garrulous Korean / American / English girl will go all quiet. Thus far she has been yapping away non-stop with gems like, ‘In 200 metres, turn left at 17^th cross after Rajinikanth Tailors.’ I cannot do the pronunciation as this is a written piece, but it is good for a laugh. You then take matters into your own hands at the blasted T-junction, do a quick eeny, meeny, minie, moe and turn left. No sooner have you done that than your disembodied instructor springs to life. ‘You are proceeding away from your destination. Take a U-turn to get back on track.’ Thank you very much!
2. ‘There is a diversion 120 metres ahead. Take the road turning slightly to the right and not the road turning slightly to the left.’ By the time I reach the diversion point, amidst all the traffic snarls ahead, behind and on both sides of my vehicle, I have no idea which option is slightly to the left and which is slightly to the right. As I am stuck in a godawful jam, I take a quick peek at the moving map on my mobile. It shows 37 minutes to my destination. Only the map is moving, not my car. They have a sense of black humour, these GPS wallahs.
3. ‘In 50 metres, at the traffic signal, take the service road slightly to the left of the main road to reach your destination.’ Now she tells me, when I am moving at a snail’s pace to the far right of the main road. In order to navigate towards the left, I have to cut across several vehicles. No can do. I drive on straight past the green lights. At which point, the voice tells me in chiding tones (at least that is my imagination working overtime) that I have passed my destination and will need to look for the first turn-off 120 metres ahead and get back towards the service road. Only this time I should veer slightly towards the right. It is always slightly this or slightly that. Don’t ask me why.
4. Finally, those magic words, ‘You have reached your destination.’ At which point, I stop the car, craning my neck this way and that, attempting to locate my destination. With cars parked on both sides, bumper to bumper, I am sweating profusely. At last, relief. My friend, whose new home and hearth I am visiting for the first time, darts out of his gate 20 metres further on, waving frantically for me to drive on and park in front of his gate. I bark at my mobile, ‘What do you mean I have reached my destination, you dumbkoff? It is still 20 metres ahead.’ To quote a famous Beatles song, No Reply.

It is entirely possible that most of you reading this are having yourselves a quiet chuckle in the full knowledge and confidence of your own competence with tech gizmos. I am still learning – very slowly, as you would have gathered. I am fully alive to the fact that the advantages we derive from the many features (GPS for one) our mobile phones offer, are greatly to be thankful for. However, one must ask the critical question. Why can’t GPS systems in India record with Indian voices? Multi-lingual options can be provided. As a nation that provides tech support for organizations all over the world, this should be a cinch. Whenever you reverse your car, if it happens to be one of the newer models, invariably a shrieky, Oriental voice would ring out, ‘This car is backing out, this car is backing out.’ And it will not stop till you shift your gears back to neutral or forward. Enough to put your foot on the accelerator instead of the brakes and nearly run over somebody’s pet cat. English is fine, but with an unaccented Indian twang is what I am seeking. If Hindi is your chosen lingo, just opt for it on your mobile and you can enjoy the dulcet tones of Hema Malini to keep you company. The legendary actor even has a Tamilian tinge to her Hindi. That is two tongues for the price of one. Think about it, car makers. We live in an AI age. Surely, what I am seeking should be chicken feed for all you nerds out there.

Postscript: As I am putting this piece to bed, this morning’s papers tell me that a group of tourists driving around near Kottayam in Kerala, drove their car straight into a river, following the dictates of their car navigation app. The good news is nobody died, enabling us to see the funny side of it, though the unfortunate travelers would have been laughing out of the other side of their mouths. Did they not hear a foreign voice from their app shrieking, ‘You are driving into a river, you are driving into a river. Turn back, turn back.’?