‘Blue, blue my world is blue’

Image result for viagra images

Viagra can make you go blue in the face. Report.

One’s heart goes out to the male of the species. Shakespeare has already dubbed the female of the species as being deadlier than the male, which did absolutely nothing to enhance the much-touted male ego. That was the problem with Shakespeare. He wrote pretty much whatever came into his head, and to hell with the consequences. What is more, everyone and his uncle started quoting Shakespeare left, right and centre. After that, there was no stopping the Bard from Avon. He was on a roll. Ever since, it has been a constant uphill struggle for Man to establish his superiority over the laughably described ‘weaker sex.’ Muscles are not everything in this world, and Woman has been shrewdly aware of this ever since God yanked out that rib from Adam in the Garden of Eden and declared in that pompous, echoing way God had, ‘I declare this Adam’s rib Woman.’ Or words to that effect. Then of course, came all that stuff about the apple and the snake, and the world as we knew it, went for a toss. It came as no surprise, therefore, that Adam was seen slinking around the Eden Gardens, not to be confused with the hallowed cricket ground in Calcutta, looking bereft and feeling sorry for himself. His self-esteem went up the spout.

Putting Biblical fairy tales to one side, let us come to the present day scenario. Failing to establish his superiority over the apocryphal ‘gentler sex’ in most matters, Man needed something, and fast, to regain some level of parity. Enter stage left, if not quite pursued by a bear, the wonder drug Viagra! Actually, it was Shakespeare’s stage directions which stated, ‘Exit stage left, pursued by a bear,’ but I am sure the great playwright wouldn’t mind if I misquoted him slightly. You see, try as one might, one can never quite keep William S out of the discourse. Let’s get back to Viagra, shall we, before we get side-tracked again. Here is a drug that has been in the news ever since it was first discovered in 1989. Its generic name, my research tells me, is Sildenafil, branded and adored the world over as Viagra, by the well-known pharmaceutical company that introduced it to the world, Pfizer. Now it is not my intention to go into the details of how the Viagra pill enables the male to rise to greater heights in bed and other such salacious details. You can find all that on the internet, if you’re really interested. Truth to tell, I am not even aware if this ‘recreational drug,’ as it is intriguingly referred to, is sold over the counter in India. One tip I picked up from my research which I can pass on. If you trot off to your nearest pharmacy and ask the salesman at the counter for a strip of Sildenafil in the presence of other customers, most likely he will look blankly at you. At which point, you will drop your voice a couple of notches and stage whisper, ‘Viagra,’ and be received with a knowing smile of recognition. That’s the word on the street, though I cannot personally confirm this.

My immediate provocation for that rather long-winded introduction is a recent report I came across, curiously headlined, ‘Viagra can make men see blue, says study.’ The report, quoting from a published article in a reputed medical journal, “Frontiers in Neurology” goes on to add, ‘Research found patients suffered abnormally dilated pupils, blurred vision, light sensitivity, and colour vision disturbances, which included intensely blue coloured vision and red-green blindness.’ Incidentally, the Viagra pill is also sold in the colour blue. Don’t ask me why. My best guess is that, having swallowed the blue tablet, and to while away the hour or so for it to take effect, the couple sit around and watch a ‘blue film,’ post which the fun and games can begin in right earnest. With full vigour, as it were.

Now you will have observed that I have had to couch my language in suitably conservative terms. Which is perhaps why many publishing sites reject my pieces, citing as reason my somewhat, archaic and circumlocutory choice of phrases. ‘Today’s youngsters don’t have the time for all this. You must be brief, cryptic and on point.’ Well, I am sorry, but I can’t be writing for social media twits who only wish to twitter. And if it’s matters sexual we are discussing, plenty of titter as well.

I could easily lay the blame for this on my own, somewhat strict and hidebound upbringing, where even ‘sex’ is considered a four letter word! I can also apportion a part of the blame on India that is Bharat where we tend, for the most part to shy away from the topic altogether. I am aware that all this is rapidly changing, and in a land where the current population of 1.3 billion is expanding exponentially, a land that gave the world the Kama Sutra, we can’t all be living in cloud cuckoo land, naively believing in storks and divine births. There is a limit to how much we can lay at God’s doorstep. He is still having a hard time, as it is, living down the Adam and Eve brouhaha.

That being the case, it must surely follow that many of our male citizens must be resorting to the periodic intake of performance enhancing drugs such as Viagra or its generic equivalent (if such a one exists), to show their partners how virile they are. And if that is a given, this latest news report that Viagra can make you see blue (without the aid of blue films) must make one stop and ponder. As a quick aside, I have not the faintest notion why sexually explicit, pornographic films came to be known, in modern parlance, as blue films. Google is cagey on the subject. Perhaps, like me, Google is also a prude.

To revert to the famed medical journal’s report, regular Viagra users are now beginning to wander around, their brows furrowed with anxiety. One loyal user was heard complaining to his girlfriend at a coffee shop, ‘Look, everything has been going swimmingly well for us so far on the fun and frolic side of things after lights out. Now comes this report, and frankly, I don’t mind telling you I am shaken. Not stirred yet, but definitely shaken. I know it does not apply to all Viagra users, perhaps just an infinitesimal minority. The problem is it plants that insidious seed of doubt in my head. And once I start thinking on those lines, bang goes my confidence, and no amount of staring at blue films is going to do any good. If this report is to be believed, apart from not being able to perform, I should be going blind as well as blue in the face, never mind colour blind and my pupils will forever remain dilated. I think I’ll slink off and become a monk.’

At this point, the girlfriend delivers her moaning boyfriend a tight, ringing slap and walks off, giving him a stern warning never to darken her doors again. Moral of the story: If you must talk about your sexual angst, avoid doing it with your bed mate. Seek one of Freud’s descendants instead.

Published by sureshsubrahmanyan

A long time advertising professional, now retired, and taken up writing as a hobby. Deeply interested in music of various genres, notably Carnatic and 60's and 70's pop/rock. An avid tennis and cricket fan. Voracious reader of British humour and satire. P.G. Wodehouse a perennial favourite.

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