No case to answer

The trial, in a curious case of a cyclist accused of rash driving, is currently under way at a local high court. Even more curiously, the person accusing the cyclist of reckless driving is the owner / driver of one of the newer, luxury models of a BMW. We take up proceedings at the trial with the cross examination of the cyclist, a Mr. Ashokan, aged 17, by the Counsel representing the owner of the BMW.

Counsel – ‘Mr. Ashokan, what model or brand of bicycle do you own?’

Ashokan – ‘I am not sure. Possibly a Sen-Raleigh. It has been handed down to me by my father, who in turn inherited it from his father. The brand name of the bike is now completely illegible.’

Counsel – ‘By my rough calculation that would make your Sen-Raleigh bicycle at least 60 years old. Am I right?’

Ashokan – ‘If you say so. I was not even a twinkle in my parents’ eyes when my father got the bike from his father. As to whether my father was a twinkle in my grandparents’ eyes going back in time, I am in no position to hazard a guess. Just for your information, the Raleigh brand of bicycle was the first to be brought into India from Britain. Then one Mr. Sudhir Kumar Sen, an enterprising entrepreneur from Bengal, entered into a collaboration to make the brand in India around the turn of the 20^th century. The Sen-Raleigh brand was born and soon became a household name.’

Counsel – ‘Thank you for the history lesson, Mr. Ashokan. I will sleep the better for it. For a 17-year-old, you are precociously well-informed and possess an interesting conversational style. You can talk the hind legs off a donkey.’

Ashokan – ‘Thank you. You are not too bad yourself.’

Judge – ‘Counsel, where are we going with this? Can we get to the point and keep the back slapping for later?’

Counsel – ‘I beg your pardon, your Honour. It is just that one does not come across too many young kids who are well-spoken. Let me, as you so succinctly put it, get to the point. Mr. Ashokan, have you clearly understood the charge made against you?’

Ashokan – ‘A millionaire driving a swank BMW is accusing me, a first-year college student of riding a 60-year-old bicycle rashly. That is what I have understood to be the laughable charge against me.’

Counsel – ‘Bicycle riders are meant to pedal their bikes at the edge of the road. You were zig-zagging in the middle of the road while singing a song from one of the latest Hindi films, perhaps trying to impress some of the college girls strolling by. My client, driving his car, was in grave danger of sustaining a dent to his car bonnet had an unfortunate accident taken place. Do you know how much it costs to repair a dent in a BMW?’

Ashokan – ‘What about the grave danger of sustaining a fatal dent to my head, being run over by a BMW? I would have been sent to the grave post haste. And what do you mean edge of the road? There is no edge to the road, only a big ditch. And I was not zig-zagging. The tyre had, just as the BMW was about to overtake me, developed a puncture and I momentarily lost control of the bike. By the way I do not know any Hindi film song. I was singing a snatch from one of A.R. Rahman’s latest Tamil offerings. In the event, there was no actual collision. So what imaginary dent are you talking about? If there was no collision, where is the case to answer?’

Judge – ‘The boy is making a valid point, Counsel. Why is he on trial if no accident, in fact, took place? Why are we wasting the court’s time when we have so many arson and murder cases still pending resolution?’

Counsel – ‘Your Honour, while it is true that the boy’s bicycle did not collide with the BMW, the driver of the car had to apply his brakes suddenly. This resulted in his being hurled forward, thus hitting his head against the steering wheel violently. He is now in hospital is a semi-comatose state. We are holding the boy, Ashokan, solely responsible for this unfortunate injury to my client.’

Ashokan – ‘Fiddlesticks! Was he not wearing a seat belt? And what about the inflatable safety cushion installed in all modern cars. Ha! That’s got you by the short and curlies.’

Counsel – ‘Why don’t you speak like normal people? About the seat belt, the complainant insists he was wearing it. As regards the inflatable safety cushion, there might have been a malfunction.’

Judge – ‘Fiddlesticks, if I am not infringing on Mr. Ashokan’s copyright. Just get on with it, Counsel. The boy’s vocabulary is clearly superior to yours.’

Counsel – ‘Your Honour, I strongly recommend that this boy be sentenced to serve in a correctional facility for riding a bicycle that was obviously not road worthy and that the vehicle itself be sent to the scrap yard.’

Judge – ‘A heritage museum would be a better house for this ancient vehicle, I think. My father too owned a Sen Raleigh. The vehicle is gone, but the cycle pump is still there collecting dust in our attic. Sorry, I get carried away. Back to business. Does the boy have a defence counsel to plead his case?’

Ashokan – ‘The boy does not, your Honour. I mean I do not have a defence lawyer to plead my case. Complete waste of money given their sinful fees. This BMW owner will get an even bigger headache when he comes out of his semi-coma and sees his lawyer’s bill. I am studying for law myself and given the idiocy of this ridiculous charge, I am defending myself. What we have here, Sir, is a David and Goliath situation. Me David, Counsel Goliath. Unfortunately, I left my slingshot at home.’

Judge – ‘Very well put. Biblical references, as well. However, the records show that the boy is 17 years of age. Which means, technically he is a minor. Counsel, how come you have agreed to a minor conducting his own trial? Are we not breaking some laws here?’

Counsel – ‘You should be the judge of that, Your Honour, if you will forgive the unintended pun.’

Judge – ‘We are not amused. I have no time for puns, intended or otherwise. Does the defendant, Mr. Ashokan have any closing remarks to share with us before I pass judgement? I would much rather hear you speak than our learned Counsel for the Prosecution.’

Ashokan – ‘Thank you, Your Honour. I may be, technically as you so delicately put it, a minor but I will be celebrating my 18^th birthday in three months’ time. At which point, I shall apply for a car driving licence. I have already passed the driving test informally. The Sen-Raleigh bike is a family heirloom and we shall not part with it to rot in some woebegone museum which no one visits. That said, I would urge this court, most humbly, to dismiss this heinous charge made against me by this filthy rich BMW owner who, but for having to apply his brakes suddenly, would most certainly have sent me to the great bicycle factory in the sky. I seek punitive damages with costs, if you please, Your Lordship.’

Judge – ‘Your Honour should meet the case, young man. Lordship is surplus to requirements. As I anticipated, that was a fine closing address. Counsel, you should learn a thing or two from this child who will become a fine litigant in the years to come. I rule in favour of the defendant, as no adequate case has been made out against him. He rode his Sen-Raleigh bike which developed a puncture while singing a Tamil film song. By A.R. Rahman, I am reliably informed. No accident occurred. As a sidebar, I would like to add that Indians, however rich, should buy cars manufactured in India, even with overseas collaboration, and not import extortionately-priced foreign brands like the BMW in question. Their brakes are too sensitive for Indian conditions. You can be severely injured even without an accident occurring, as has happened to our unfortunate BMW owner. Case dismissed.’

(This is a work of fiction, loosely based on several such incidents that take place in our country).