An Open Letter to the Movers and Shakers

I have decided to send a brief open letter to our political masters, at home and across the globe, who play an important role in shaping our destinies, bar one who is not yet a master but hopes to become one. I do not expect to receive a reply from any of them. I do not even expect a single one of these missives to be read. I am just happy that they are placed on record and at some distant future date, some assiduous historian might come across them and decide to include them, or some part of them, in his or her own recounting of the years gone by.

India’s Prime Minister Narendra Modi

Dear Prime Minister Modi,

The talk everywhere, across the country and on our media channels and podcasts is about when you are planning to put in your papers prematurely. Those who support you and they are legion, while not wishing to see you go, feel that age must catch up sooner than later, and the country must face the inevitable. The bigger talk is around who will be anointed as your successor. The smart money is on the saffron-robed monk who is presently controlling the affairs of India’s largest, bellwether state, Uttar Pradesh. This could leave some of your other senior cabinet colleagues and aspirants somewhat red-faced but needs must. Much will also depend on what your spiritual masters in Nagpur might have to say about the whole business. Speculation is also rife that you might stay the course and go the distance till 2029, and put your hand up again for a 4^th term. Oh, what joy! Either way, the suspense is killing us. Please put us out of our misery. The nation wants to know.

Yours with much respect.

India’s Leader of the Opposition Rahul Gandhi

Dear Shri Rahul Gandhi,

Are you not getting fed to the back teeth being constantly addressed as Pappu and those inimical to your interests urging you to settle down with your mother somewhere in Italy? You have been putting up a brave front, crying hoarse every day against the present dispensation, so much so that you appear to have developed a permanent hoarse, sore throat. While your visits to the gym and daily fitness regimen have ensured that your tight, white tee-shirt shows your muscles and abs to your best advantage (no flab), the man with the 55” chest sitting across you in the treasury benches seems to be besting you in the jousts. You mock him daily but for now, he has definitely put the mockers on you. We common citizens would dearly love to have a strong, virile opposition. Perhaps more success will come your way if you spent more time inside Parliament rather than outside it.

Here’s wishing more power to your muscular elbow.

America’s President Donald Trump

Dear President Trump,

No American President in living memory has so completely invaded the minds, if not the hearts of the populace of almost the entire world. You may take that as a compliment, as you doubtless will, even if I meant something entirely different altogether. The God complex has you in its thrall. Speaking of invading, with your recent ‘capture’ of Greenland, hot on the heels of all but taking over Venezuela, and Cuba very much in your crosshairs, you are fast becoming the new-age imperialist, a title vacated by your friends in Great Britain. Iran is proving to be a thorn in your side, the promised two-week war might well be prolonged into a two-year war while Netanyahu refuses to play ball at your beck and call. China and Russia are also keeping a wary eye on you. The battle for the Strait of Hormuz is not quite as straightforward as it first seemed. Talk about pouring oil on troubled waters! As they say, into each life a little rain must fall.

Then again, all else failing, you always have your tariffs to fall back on. We in India are not losing too much sleep as you threaten tariff increases on a daily basis; a bit like crying wolf. In India, the word taareef means praise which we are unable to heap on you until such time as you stop raking up tariffs with every breath you take. We thrive on adversity. You need to worry about those up-coming mid-term polls in your country. Those results might well upend some of your grand plans for world dominance. Take a break, Mr. President, a very long one.

With best wishes.

Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Andy Burnham.

Dear Prime Minister Burnham,

Before addressing this mail, I had to look up Google to ascertain your exact name. Time was when you could wake me up in the dead of night and I would unerringly name the then PM of the British Isles and Northern Ireland. After all, your forefathers, more than four actually, came to visit us in India over 200 years ago, lapped up our traditional hospitality and decided to stay on for an extended and unspecified period. The guests who came to dinner partook of a royal feast while teaching the natives English. When you finally decided in 1947 that you had more than overstayed your welcome, you divided our country on religious lines, a heavy price that we are still paying. As you left, you divvied up most of our wealth amongst yourselves. The Koh-i-noor sparkles in the Tower of London and still rankles in India. Things have now come full circle and the net result is, you have been changing Prime Ministers like babies’ nappies in double quick time. So please forgive me if I could not readily recollect your name, Mr. Burnham. I know that we in India still look fondly towards Britain (as a tourist destination) and that I cannot throw a stone anywhere in London without beaning a curry joint. So all is well. I wish you well as you navigate choppy waters with Big Brother Trump and other friends and enemies in Europe. You are a seafaring nation, after all.

All the best, Mr. Burnham and may your tenure last longer than some of your recent predecessors managed.

Russian President Vladimir Putin

Dear President Putin,

To the public at large, you seem a man of few words. On the rare occasions when we hear you speak, an interpreter provides us the import of your words in a language we can follow. Since your face is mostly impassive, we are not even sure if the interpreter is only telling us what he has been schooled to say. We think you are a friend of India’s. We buy a great deal of oil and gas from you, much to you-know-who’s immense displeasure. The tariff threat is an ever-present Sword of Damocles hanging over both our heads. However, if push comes to shove, we are the ones who will get it in the neck as Uncle Sam is heavily dependent on you for all kinds of other materials. He knows which side his bread is buttered on. In a sense, you could be having your cake and eating it too. Meanwhile, please find a way to mend fences with Ukraine or end the war expeditiously. Zelensky should go back to doing stand-up comedy. As the song goes, War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Our PM Modi is there to lend a helping hand. That’s what friends are for, in the words of another song.

Vsego khoroshego, Mr. President.

President of the People’s Republic of China, Xi Jinping

Dear President Xi Jinping,

Till the last minute we were not sure if you will be attending the recently held BRICS Summit in New Delhi. We were on tenterhooks. Your arrival was a matter of great significance and our Prime Minister’s ecstasy and relief knew no bounds. Social media was abuzz with talk about your falling ill and all manner of speculation was doing the rounds. It could not have been the vegetarian meal dished out as you skipped the official banquet and, we understand, brought your own chef and mobile kitchen from China. We are greatly relieved to know that you reached home safe and we will follow with great anticipation your upcoming meeting in Washington with President Trump. I am not sure if you have been exposed to American cowboy comics and films, where the Red Indian Big Chief would issue a stern warning to his comrades, ‘Beware. White man, he speak with forked tongue.’ Just a friendly caution.

Stay well, Sir.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

Dear Prime Minister Netanyahu,

You have earned the reputation of not listening to anybody, not even to your dearest friend and ally, Donald Trump. However, the complex world of geopolitics enjoins upon you the need to tone down your aggression in order to secure a lasting peace in your region. I have addressed this mail to you only because of the simple fact that I could not have left you out. Also, I am told you are a friend of India and Mr. Modi. So, let us see you waving a white flag for a change for peace. Not for surrender. Thank you.

I have no doubt these open letters would be deleted / pulped by various underlings in the respective governments and will not see the light of day, leave alone reach their intended, very important recipients. No matter. I have done my duty as a responsible citizen of India and a concerned denizen of the world. Peace be with you.