In recent times the audio-visual medium, in whichever form, has decided that its offerings are being watched by congenital idiots. Whether it is a television series or a film on cable, a podcast featuring two or four talking heads or, for that matter, a physiotherapist of Indian origin based in Chicago speaking English in a thick Gujarati accent telling us how we should sit, stand or walk – all these programmes have one thing in common. Subtitles. Let me repeat that the medium of communication for all these shows is English, but still, the purveyors feel some additional help will enable us to better follow the proceedings. I daresay their heart is in the right place and they are only trying to be helpful. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. It goes without saying that if the programme happens to be in some vernacular lingo, Indian or international, the subtitle nerds can go berserk. Artificial Intelligence (AI) has a lot to answer for. Apologies to Donald Trump who wishes to rename it as Superior Intelligence (SI). Until you achieve world domination, make that damnation, we will stick to AI, if it’s all the same to you, Sir.
Allow me to explain. It is true that many of the current American and English films and serials on view have decided that dialogue will be delivered at rapid-fire speeds or in barely audible sibilant mumbles. So much so that subtitles become a sine qua non without which we will be up the creek without a paddle. This is a modern trend. ‘Throwing your voice’ or a stage whisper is old hat, too theatrical. We are in the realm of cinéma vérité taken to extremes. This was not always the case. I do not need subtitles watching My Fair Lady when the peerless, Oscar winning Rex Harrison as Professor Henry Higgins, at his articulate and complaining best, bemoans Why can’t a woman be more like a man? Nowadays they are, but that is not the point of this discussion. Let me get back to Higgins. Every syllable comes through clear as a bell. But no, on cable the subtitle union must earn its wages, so our rapid eye movement traverses from Rex Harrison’s lips to the subtitle (whether it is needed or not) and the barely readable type says, Why pant vermin be mare take a man? Need I say more? I looked for the ‘subtitles off’ option but it was not available. Thank goodness I have the DVD and can watch the film with the subtitles switched off. Bliss.
In case you were wondering, that horrendously mauled subtitle was not a typing error. That was Uncle AI at his incompetent, unthinking best. With AI in this unholy mix, the chaps in charge of subtitling don’t even have to do anything. They just press a few buttons, and I am only guessing, and AI takes over everything else. The problem is AI will key in the subtitles as it hears the words. Its auditory canals are configured differently, read digitally. There is no application of the artificial mind. This has led many of us to turn off the subtitle option, when we are allowed to, and opt to concentrate on what the people on screen are striving to say. The ability to lip-read could be helpful. Which is fine if the programme is in English. However, I could have decided to watch one of those dark, Nordic thrillers on Netflix where the medium of instruction could be one of the Finnish, Danish, Norwegian, Swedish or even Icelandic tongues. Though the last named could soon change to American, if Donald Trump (always in our midst) has anything to do with it. The French and the Italians don’t go in much for dark thrillers. The sun shines brighter in the Mediterranean and they prefer sex romps where subtitles are surplus to requirements. Not being conversant with any of those languages, particularly the Nordic ones, I must opt for subtitles and hope for the best. The other problem with Scandinavian languages is that half the proper nouns have no vowels. However, the Welsh take the wooden spoon. Try pronouncing the name of this village in Wales – Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. Thankfully they have an easier, shortened version, namely, Llanfairpwll!
Programmes in Tamil, Hindi and Bengali to some extent I can manage with or without subtitles. English one takes for granted. In recent times, however, the subtitles flashing on our small screens have taken leave of their senses. It is as if the AI machine (if indeed it is a machine) has decided that it cares two hoots what the players on screen are actually saying. It will just tap on its imaginary keyboard, eyes firmly shut, and whatever comes on screen, we viewers will simply have to lump it. Since I have no control over these things, I simply decided to have some fun with it and share some prize goof-ups with my readers. I provided one example earlier. Here are a few more.
Two gentlemen from the political class are discussing the forthcoming state elections in Uttar Pradesh in February 2027. This will be a landmark election in a bellwether state with huge stakes for the ruling dispensation and for the opposition.
First gentleman – ‘I think Yogi Ji could find himself in hot water this time. It won’t be a cakewalk.’
AI subtitle – ‘I thank Yogi Di to fry himself a hot daughter this time. It won’t be a wok in the park.’
Second gentleman – ‘Look, all the surveys show that Yogi is still the cock of the walk. He will take some shifting.’
AI subtitle – ‘Cook, all the surveys blow the Yoga and bill the crock of the clock. He will take some shafting.’
First gentleman – ‘Yogi Ji is more focused on the PM’s chair.’
AI subtitle – ‘Yogi Jio is more fixed on the PM’s hair.’
Second gentleman – ‘PM’s chair? Mota Bhai is first in queue. Yogi Ji knows.’
AI subtitle – ‘PM’s lair? Meta Byte is first in view. Yogi Jio knows.’
Barkha Dutt asks Sanju Verma, spokesperson of the BJP a searching question as to why the government is hesitant to take firmer action against the Cockroach Janata Party (CJP).
Sanju Verma – ‘Let me make one thing very clear Barkha. Just 40 seconds. The government will wipe the floor with these cockroaches any time, but we are showing admirable restraint.’
AI subtitle – ‘Get me one thing, very dear Bakra. Bust 40 sections. The government still tripe the flower with these cockamamies many times, but we are slowing admissible prostate.’
Barkha Dutt – ‘I get that, but this so-called restraint is turning many BJP supporters against their own party. Comment?
AI subtitle – ‘I bet that, but this stone walled prostate is burning many BJP sapotas against their own party. Cement?
Sanju Verma – ‘That is complete nonsense, Barkha. Just 20 seconds. Foul canards put about by the Congress.’
AI subtitle – ‘That is template nun cents, Bakra. Bust 20 sections. Rahul cankers put aloud by the Congregation.’
One last example of AI’s nonsensical ingenuity, though there are many more where those came from.
Arnab Goswami froths at the mouth as only he can, his ire directed at an unnamed Pakistani Army Type.
Arnab Goswami – ‘How dare you threaten our people and foment trouble on our holy land through these despicable cockroaches? The nation wants to know.’
AI subtitle – ‘Cow care you beaten our people and torment bubble on our lowly band true these decimatable cockamamies? The nation pants to know.’
Pakistani Army Type – ‘Arre yaar, Arnab. I cannot follow a word you are saying. Speak in Hindi or something.’
AI subtitle – ‘Arre maar, Doorknob, I cannot swallow a word you are braying. Freak in Hindi or stumping.’
I should stop here, dear reader. Don’t know about you but I am developing a migraine. I think you get the broad sense of what AI is trying to convey most helpfully, though the end result can be diabolical. There is some consistency in AI’s absurd, digital logic though. Restraint always translates to prostate, seconds to sections and cockroaches always to cockamamies. Why, we shall never come to know. Or, in AI’s own, reassuring words, ‘Hi, we shall ever overcome to gnaw.’
